58. My Maine Birth: Christmas Morning Miracle, Lily’s Story
Lily: 0:00
I was in our bedroom for the whole labor and I stayed in there while he went to go wake her up. And he said he woke her up and she just jumped out of that bed in tears of just excitement and joy. So she runs in the room and just starts crying and hugging me and asking if I'm okay. And we said Merry Christmas to her because it was Christmas and she just could not believe her sister was coming. And so I told her she was going to open presents with her Mimi because I'd be having the baby. And she was just so aware of how I was doing.
Lily: 0:39
I'd have a contraction, I would breathe through it, I was visibly in pain and she was just calm, that was very peaceful. And then I'd come out of that contraction and be like, see, this is the baby coming, my body's doing the work and she's coming. And so right before my daughter had to leave with my mom, she ran into her bedroom and she brought back in with her a mini Christmas tree and wanted to wish me Merry Christmas. And she said I'm going to bring Christmas to you, since you can't come down enough Christmas. And so of course I just cried and that was a beautiful moment and I hugged her and she left with my mom and we got right down to it.
Angela: 1:27
I'm Angela and you're listening to my Maine Birth a space where we share the real life stories of families and their unique birth experiences in the beautiful state of Maine. From our state's biggest hospitals to birth center births and home births, every birth story deserves to be heard and celebrated. From the first feelings of pregnancy to the first cry of your newborn, we explore the journey of childbirth in all of its beauty, intensity and emotion. Whether you're a soon-to-be mom, a seasoned mother or simply interested in the world of birth, these episodes are for you. As part of my commitment to capturing these incredible moments, I'm proud to offer my birth photography services to families throughout Maine.
Angela: 2:14
As an experienced photographer, I'm dedicated to capturing the beauty and emotion of this special moment in your life, and I create a personalized and intimate photo album that you will treasure forever. For all of the information, head over to mymainphotocom and fill out the contact form to schedule a call with me. Now sit back, relax and join me as we dive into the world of childbirth in Maine and discover the joy, strength and love that is at the heart of every birth story. Merry Christmas and welcome to a very special episode of the my Maine Birth Podcast. Today's birth story guest is Lily and she shares all about her two Maine home birth stories and she shares all about her two main home birth stories. This episode is very special to me because I had the incredible honor of photographing the birth of Lily's youngest daughter, molly, who was born on Christmas morning last year. Hi Lily, welcome to my Main Birth.
Lily: 3:21
Hi To get started will you share a little bit about you and your family? Yes, okay. So my husband and I will have been married eight years coming up October 3rd, and we have two beautiful girls. We have an almost seven-year-old, her name's Ella, and then we have a nine-month-old baby girl. She just turned nine months today and her name is Molly. We live in Greenville, maine, up on Moosehead Lake, and we love it. We love to do all of the outdoor activities as a family that Moosehead has to offer and we homeschool. So being up here and getting to do all of the outdoor stuff, homeschool just works so good for our lifestyle.
Angela: 4:10
Amazing. So now to get started into your birth stories, will you first share with me when you found out you were pregnant for the first time and a little bit about your thoughts in choosing your care?
Lily: 4:26
first time and a little bit about your thoughts in choosing your care. Yeah, absolutely, oh my goodness. So the first time we got pregnant was with Ella, and she was a surprise. It took me a little while to adjust to that surprise. My husband was super excited right away. So I'd had some exposure to home birth. I knew some people who had done it. I had heard lots of stories about hospital births and so after doing research and talking to friends who had done both, we just decided that home birth was going to be best for us and it's what I felt most comfortable with.
Angela: 5:03
And so was your husband on board with that Like immediately, or were you guys on the same?
Lily: 5:08
page. He totally was. Yeah, right away. He's so supportive and so he. You know, after talking to people who had really positive experiences and also talking with the midwife and how the medical side would work, he was totally on board.
Angela: 5:24
So you decided to go with a midwife. Now, what did your care look like throughout that first pregnancy? How did it make you feel?
Lily: 5:32
Yeah, oh, it was so wonderful. My midwife was so good in explaining like, okay, at this appointment at the hospital they'd be doing and asking this, so she'd give options. I could forego things if I wanted to, but she made sure I knew everything. You know that would be happening at a hospital. I loved her home office. It just made me feel so comforting because I'm someone who gets really anxious, like in a hospital setting. I just like immediately freeze. So having your home office sitting on a nice sofa was wonderful, so we'd go in.
Lily: 6:10
You have all the same monthly and weekly appointments that would be typically scheduled at a doctor's office. So you go in and we have great conversation just about how I'm doing and feeling. And each appointment she checks my health. You know my vitals, all of that. She can listen for the baby's heartbeat. She even has ultrasound so we could get on and hear that heartbeat and confirm pregnancy that way, you know. But, yeah, each appointment she did the necessary. You know tests and everything that had to be done. It was a really good experience to feel comfortable and safe.
Angela: 6:49
So did she calculate your due date then, when you went in at the beginning and did you not go to any hospital appointments, was it basically all through her for your pregnancy?
Lily: 6:59
It was mostly all through her Yep. So she calculated the due date based on last menstrual period and then the one time I went to the hospital was for the ultrasound to see a boy or girl. And that's when they do all of the checks they look deeply at their heart and lungs and number of toes and fingers and the whole thing. So that was at the hospital and that was just a magical experience, you know, in and of itself, to get to see that baby on the screen and oh, it was so good.
Angela: 7:32
So now, was there anything else? That sort of came up throughout that pregnancy.
Lily: 7:36
Yeah, that I mean my first pregnancy was so I mean it was honestly wonderful and enjoyable and I had that kind of experience where I would have said for the first one, like I loved being pregnant, everything about it. You know there's obviously ups and downs and worries and fears, but I felt comfortable and I really enjoyed the experience of being pregnant the first time around.
Angela: 8:01
Now tell me about your labor and birth now tell me about your labor and birth.
Lily: 8:09
Yeah, so my due date was right before Thanksgiving, but I went into labor 11 days early with Ella. So my first I started feeling pretty crampy that morning, but I still had 11 days to go, so I was. You know, this feels a little different, but you know, every day that week I thought I was in labor first time. So finally that day came and I resolved like, okay, I'm not like in labor, I have almost two weeks left. So I went about my day and then in the evening time I was like super cramp and started to have I mean, real different than the Braxton Hicks that had been happening all week. And, um, it was later at night, it was around eight o'clock, my husband was in our bed and I came out to the kitchen. I was just putting my head down on the counter and breathing through these contractions and I didn't want to tell him yet how strong they were, because every single night that week I was like babe, I think this is it, you know. And so I'm like I don't want to say it again I have 11 days, I'm not in labor. So I got back in bed and just laid down like trying to compose myself. I'm like, well, babe, like let's just time these contractions. I was just kind of trying to play it cool but dying inside. So we started the timer and I felt like what felt like a very strong kick from the baby. And then I was just wet and I was like, oh my gosh, babe. I just peed the bed and then it dawned on me that my water broke. So it was kind of pandemonium from that point.
Lily: 9:53
I didn't have all the supplies exactly organized how I wanted because she came early. So I was trying to, you know, go grab, you know, the towels, go grab these supplies. And so he's kind of doing that and I'm just trying to breathe through every contraction. I never had that walking around labor, you know like, oh, a contraction. And you know, now I'm going to walk around again.
Lily: 10:17
It was just like five minute apart, very intense contractions right away. So it was very quick from the time my water broke until I had her in my arms. It was five hours. We had called, so my water broke. We called my midwife right away and it took her about two hours to get there and by the time she got there I felt like the baby was coming.
Lily: 10:43
I'm like I'm having a hard time not to push, you know. And she kind of settled me and was like, well, you still have a long way to go, kind of was what I was getting. And I'm like just thinking to myself, no, like this baby's coming. And so I eventually I'd asked if she would check me to see if I was fully dilated. And she did, and to her surprise she was like, wow, you're ready to go, you're ready to push. And at that point I had changed my mind. You know, it sits in. It sits in that it's real. I'm like like, wait, no, nevermind, I don't want to push. So I actually didn't push, I got on my hands and knees and I just let my body do it. I breathed and when I felt a contraction, honestly it would. Just it was kind of a natural push that I would do with each contraction.
Angela: 11:38
So you're on your hands and knees then for that birth. Yeah so, okay so to continue.
Lily: 11:42
I was on my hands and knees. There was a moment where I just felt like I need to stand up and she was like absolutely, listen to your body. I stood up and then I kind of fell back down to my knees. The contractions were like, I mean, it felt like seconds apart. It felt like I didn't have a break. So at that point my husband was sitting in a recliner and I was on my knees and my head was kind of resting like on his lap and I was grabbing onto his legs. He's just a rock star in all of this and I mean it's pretty much just the two of us while I labor and my midwife is kind of just there. So it's really, it's really special.
Lily: 12:25
So I was kind of clinging, screaming, you know pushing this wasn't calm and sweet and peaceful, but screaming, you know pushing naturally. And then there was one moment where I mean it was like unbearable pain and my midwife is just so gentle and calm and she came up to my ear and she said I need you to all out, push. So she was stuck, her head was out and she was bluish. So she's like you need to all out, give it everything you've got. So that was the only time whole labor I actually put and she came out, able to get out with no problem and she cried right. I just, you know, I just sat down after that and my midwife handed her to me. My husband's arms were wrapped around me. We were just sitting on the floor just sobbing and holding our baby girl for the first time and at that point my mom and mother-in-law and sister and sister-in-law came in the room and and saw the baby. So it was the most beautiful moment.
Angela: 13:33
Oh my gosh, I love that, yeah, so how was your immediate postpartum with her?
Lily: 13:41
Yeah. So pregnancy was wonderful, Birth was. I look back, I'm like birth was easy, it was beautiful. And then the postpartum was really hard with her. The physical recovery was pretty intense. I was in a lot of pain. Nursing actually came quite easily and I had tons of milk, so that was a blessing.
Lily: 14:04
And then, you know, at that point in time I did not have many other moms in my circle at all. So my friends really didn't have kids yet and I just I didn't have those connections so I was very isolated. So I was very isolated and I also just have a history of some mental health struggles. I wasn't fully aware of what postpartum depression was or postpartum anxiety, and I developed it to a very severe and strong point. It was borderline dangerous after 11 months. It was borderline dangerous after 11 months and my mom and my husband kind of had an intervention kind of thing with me to help me understand kind of what they saw and I was able to get help. I needed medical help, I needed to take some big steps to get well. So for me that was rough. I clung to God and I clung to my faith through that time. But yeah, the depression, anxiety was, it was suffocating for a time.
Angela: 15:14
Yeah, oh, my gosh. Postpartum is a hard time, like it can really creep up on you.
Lily: 15:22
Yeah, absolutely, and I didn't have a reference at that time really for what was normal and what wasn't. For the longest time I just thought this is sleep deprivation. Every mom must feel this way, but it, you know, looking back I can see um, you know, there were several things. The anxiety kind of happened. First I was really paranoid about germs and people touching my baby, which is healthy. That's a good thing.
Lily: 15:52
But it got to the extent where I didn't let anybody in my home and I developed a fear of leaving my home. So for like 11 months I would not leave my house unless it was necessary and I would stay in my bedroom, you know, with my baby most of the day. I didn't even want to come out to the rest of my house because it felt so overwhelming to be in a larger space. And I had very regular panic attacks, which I didn't know. That's what they were at the time. I thought they were, you know, like a medical emergency and in fact the first time that it happened I ended up calling an ambulance because I didn't know, you know, and it was.
Lily: 16:40
It was a dark time, but also also beauty in it. I don't want to let that pass by because I, you know, out of, even though so many things were going wrong with my body and in my mind at that time, my baby was my joy and I was able to give to her and be present with her and enjoy her so much. And I honestly didn't realize how bad I was experiencing, the depression, anxiety, until it was pointed out to me by my husband and my mom. So postpartum does a lot to you and I think it's it's important to be educated. I think doctors and midwives do a better job now versus even seven years ago when I had my first at educating. But I just didn't know at that point in time.
Angela: 17:34
Yeah, Especially even if you have, like, a really amazing birth experience, which I hear a lot of times, and then you know it's completely flips upside down when you get to that postpartum time and it's a lot of like. And then you know it's completely flips upside down when you get to that postpartum time and it's a lot of like ups and downs and then all mixed with all those hormones.
Lily: 17:50
And yeah, oh my gosh, absolutely. And I struggle with guilt too because I'm like how could I be depressed, not understanding for the longest time that it wasn't my fault, I didn't realize. You know, the placenta carries so many feel good hormones and you suddenly lose that and your body is no longer pumping that much blood. You know it has so much more blood in the body when you have two bodies. So you just go through such a drastic change and I think that, mixed with kind of my tendency toward my past, tendency towards anxiety, you know, isolation, lack of close friendships, at the time I think it was just the perfect storm.
Angela: 18:42
Well, now, moving forward to your second birth experience, tell me a little bit about when you found out you're pregnant for the second time and your thoughts in choosing your care Absolutely.
Lily: 18:54
So this baby, oh, my goodness, my sweet second baby. She was not planned, was not planned. I guess this is how it rolls. In fact, things you know prevented. So I just kind of like woke up one morning and I was like I think I'm pregnant. It was just an overwhelming feeling. And so I went to the drugstore and I got a pregnancy test and I took it and there were, I mean, there were two lines, but the second one was so light that I'm like I don't know. So I took another one and same thing.
Lily: 19:30
So I got on my phone and was Googling, like you know, two lines on a pregnancy test. One's really light, and everything I was reading was, if there's two lines, you're pregnant, it doesn't matter, you know you're pregnant, it doesn't matter, you know you're pregnant. So I was like, oh, like, okay, I'm just kind of freaking out in this moment. I was scared, I'm like I don't want this. Oh, but I do. So many emotions. And I called my husband. He works next door to our home, so I said can you come home? And he's like, is everything okay? I'm like, uh, just come home. And he did and I said I don't know for sure, I think I'm pregnant. There's two lines, but it's still unclear. You know all the emotions that that you feel when you see those lines. And he said, okay, well, uh, let's, we can get another pregnancy test and do one later. It'll be okay.
Lily: 20:26
And so it was hard because we parted ways. He had to get back to work and I had plans, so I followed through with my plans. Of course, I couldn't focus on anything throughout the day. I just kept crying happy tears and then crying scared tears and thinking about all the scenarios of how I wasn't ready yet for a second, but also the excitement and joy that I was feeling in my heart thinking about being a mom for a second time. So my husband called and he said I'm going to go pick up the pregnancy tests that are digital this time, you know that say pregnant, so we can be, you know, more sure. I'm like, yes, it's a great idea. So he went and he picked those up and so I took the first one. You have to wait 10 minutes, so I set it down. I was so nervous, so I had him go in and get the, go into the bathroom and get the test and tell me what it said. And my husband's like a jokester. So I was fully expecting a negative result and expecting to hear him be like, yeah, you know, it's positive. And I knew, I just knew it. And so I started crying and he uh, it was a long pause, I mean he was in there for a minute and he came out and said, yeah, it's positive. So we just we cried.
Lily: 21:53
For me it was such a welcome surprise, whereas the first time I got pregnant I it took me a while to become okay with it. We reversed roles because this time my husband really had to process and become okay with it, and that's okay when you know you both have to get to where you need to be. It was a shock. So we actually took another pregnancy test because after we're still in denial, and then I actually went to get a blood test. You'd think I would have gotten the message by now, but we were so shocked, like this was so unexpected.
Lily: 22:32
So finding out I was pregnant with the second for me, I just was thanking God for the life that was in me and I was really nervous because our plans had to do a 180.
Lily: 22:45
But at the same time I just had perfect peace about it and he just did that first, you know, from his perspective, he said obviously God gave us this child for a reason and so he fell at peace with that because that's the only way that could have happened. It was meant to be. And then for him, emotionally, he had to. You know, it took a little while for him to get excited and that was hard for a little bit, being on different pages. But looking back, it's okay and I feel like I would tell anyone it's okay when you and your spouse aren't on the same page immediately, because you can't force emotions. And so we just learned a lot about being patient with each other and he still he's just supported me and how I was feeling and I supported him and how he was feeling, and eventually we merged lanes there and we're both excited and it was just a welcomed gift for both of us.
Angela: 23:50
So now were you immediately like I'm definitely going with the same character. You ended up having the same midwife for both births, right?
Lily: 23:57
Yes, absolutely Same midwife wanted to do the same thing again.
Angela: 24:02
So how did that pregnancy go for you? Did you do any testing? Or, besides, all the pregnancy tests?
Lily: 24:10
Oh my gosh, literally five pregnancy tests and a blood test. And then I kind of started to believe it was true. So the pregnancy test, I did all the typical you know tests that you would do. We did not do the newer, like genetic testing, but we did. You know the ultrasound that tells you boy or girl, and you know the glucose test, all of that kind of thing.
Angela: 24:36
So were you sort of feeling the same way you felt with your first pregnancy, or you're just like really enjoying it and felt like overall pretty good yeah.
Lily: 24:45
No, this time was different. In the beginning I felt the same way. The first several weeks, the first trimester, was great as far as I was excited and just thought it was all so beautiful. And by the second trimester I was beginning to experience prenatal depression, which I did not know was a thing until I started to feel some very similar feelings that I had felt back seven years ago with my first postpartum experience. Just some things that I know about myself now that are not healthy. So I started to pay attention to that and I fought depression the whole pregnancy.
Lily: 25:33
And when I say depression, that can mean different things for different people. For me, when I get to a place that I would consider really unhealthy depression, it looks like not wanting to do anything that would normally be enjoyable, just wanting to sleep, easily aggravated, really just uninterested in life, which is so sad, and I could recognize those things and I you know, when you're in that space you just need to do the next healthy thing. So it's healthy to go out for a walk, it's healthy to be with friends, it's healthy to go to church, it's healthy, you know, to do your hobbies. So I really just I had to push through, but I cried most every day, just feeling despair, really for no apparent reason. I experienced a lot of fear, even with it being my second pregnancy. I just had fears of things that felt really unknown, and I was very uncomfortable physically as well. I gained way more weight with the second one than I did the first, and so, honestly, the pregnancy was just very hard.
Angela: 26:44
Yeah, that is tough and it's funny because sometimes you'll get pregnant and be like, okay, this is going to be just like the first one.
Lily: 26:51
Yes, I kept comparing it and feeling like something was wrong. The other thing that was really interesting so when I got pregnant with my first, I just felt this immediate connection to the baby, like it's unexplainable, just so in love and like we were in sync and just felt magical. And with the second one I did not have those feelings and I kept thinking what is wrong with me? Why can't I bond with this baby? It just felt I don't know and I don't. I still, looking back, I know all of that is normal, but you know, sometimes there's no rhyme or reason to that. So that was hard and I don't think we talk enough about the hard moments, because every woman, no matter how beautiful it is because, don't get me wrong, even with my most recent pregnancy, my goodness, the beauty overshadows what was hard, but it was still hard and those things need to be talked about because it can feel shameful to be like no, I had no connection with my baby and my stomach, you know. But it that did come. That came with time, thankfully.
Angela: 28:06
Did it come through like out your pregnancy, or did it come like in that moment where you were like holding her in your arms?
Lily: 28:14
You know, when we found out she was a girl and we had a name for her and we were calling her by name, I started to feel connection at that point and I think it had to do. A lot of it had to do with allowing myself to connect and feel, because I had a fear of having a miscarriage like every single day. I just I assumed it was going to happen to me and so I think I was like afraid to connect on some level, looking back, but I had to let that go. I had to pray through that and be like God. You gave me this baby and only you can keep this heart beating. I can be healthy, eat when I need to, but ultimately there's one, one person you know one God that I believe in that can keep the heart beating. One person you know one God that I believe in that can keep the heart beating. So that was a struggle. I had to continually preach that to my own heart and allow myself to love the baby and become emotionally attached, like what's natural to do.
Angela: 29:22
Oh, my gosh, exactly. So at the end of your pregnancy we had connected, and I think it was a week before Christmas, right, and your original due date was in.
Lily: 29:37
January. Right, it was January 13th was my due date.
Angela: 29:41
Yeah, yeah, so we had connected and you decided to have some photos of your birth. Yeah, so what made you sort of want to have some photos of your birth? Yeah, so what made you sort of want to have the photos of your birth?
Lily: 29:53
Yeah, that's a great question. I just felt like for me, with this second pregnancy, I wanted to document everything in ways that I didn't with the first. I believe birth is so beautiful and birth photography is new compared to when I had my first, so I don't know. I was so curious about it and thought I would love to be able to have those memories just for myself, not to post and share. It was for the purpose of of having that documented.
Lily: 30:25
So then I I had been thinking about it, but I'm like no, like it's way too expensive. Or you know what, if I changed my mind and it feels humiliating. But I came across your photography page somehow on Facebook I don't even remember and you had posted about a promotion with birth photography and a maternity session. And I'm like, okay, well, I am going to reach out, figure out you know what this entails and what it's all about and see if it's right for me. And it absolutely was, and I have no regrets and I could not have handpicked a better woman for the job. You were just so wonderful in how you carried out the job and also the images were so beautiful.
Angela: 31:15
Oh, we had planned a maternity session, which did not happen. Spoiler alert oh my gosh.
Lily: 31:23
No, no big spoiler alert. We planned the maternity session, I think, for December 27th or 28th. Yeah, after Christmas. Yeah, that did not happen.
Angela: 31:38
So then tell me how your labor started.
Lily: 31:40
Yeah, okay, so to back it up, and we'll come back to why the maternity session didn't happen. So I, you know, the week leading up to my labor I was really crampy and it just felt different that whole week. And then Christmas Eve came and so my mom had come to stay for the week with plans to go home Christmas Eve and Christmas morning to be with my sister, and then she was going to come back the day after Christmas and stay with us for a whole month to help. We have an Airbnb, so she was going to stay there. So Christmas Eve the morning came, my mom came over with us and our family and we did presents together and I was super, just crampy and tired and she's like you know, are you going to be good if I go? I'm like, yep, I'm good, we're just going to be here and we'll see you in two days. Now, bearing in mind she's my plan for when I go into labor, she's the one designated to take my oldest daughter out of this house. So she goes home and the day goes by Christmas Eve day and my husband said I was real weird. Like you know, you're doing some different things today, just aimless, kind of, around my house Just, I guess very off, and I'm like, well, am I going to go into labor? Like this is very different. I'm like there's no way. This is three weeks early.
Lily: 33:19
But as the day went on I was more crampy and then the evening came. We went to the Christmas Eve service at our church at night around six o'clock and many people asked how I was doing, with a face of like, ooh, like you look like you're tired, and I was. So we came home, um, we put our oldest daughter to bed and my husband and I have a tradition Christmas Eve we stay up super late and we just watch movies and it's just enjoyable. We stay up till past midnight every Christmas Eve, which we never do during the other days of the year. So we had sat down and I was having contractions and we timed them and they were 10 minutes apart exactly and they'd last for two or three minutes. They weren't overly painful. So, in contrast with my first, my water broke and I had unbearable contractions from the get-go. I never had like timable and light contractions, so it didn't really mean a lot to me. I thought they were very strong Braxton Hicks, and after about two hours it all stopped. I wasn't having any more contractions. So I did some yoga and we just continued to watch movies. And I'm like, well, this isn't it. I'm like it all stopped.
Lily: 34:44
So we got into bed and we prayed together, like we always do, and we turned out the lights and we got all comfy in bed and that moment I felt again what felt like a very strong kick, like with my first, and then just wet, and I was like, oh, and he goes, what did you forget? Downstairs, because that's my typical we get into bed and I'm like, oh, I forgot something. I'm like my water just broke. So he's like what you know? He jumps out of bed. We just couldn't believe it. We took a selfie together just to kind of celebrate, because we were excited. And he reminded me, like this is exciting, it's okay, three weeks early. Here we go. It was 1.30 in the morning when my water broke and he reminded me, like this is exciting, it's okay, three weeks early. Here we go. It was 1.30 in the morning when my water broke, and so we have that sweet exchange of a selfie together to remember. And he's like all right, I got to go make coffee. I'm like you're going to go make coffee, you know it was funny. That's a really funny moment looking back. So he does, he goes down, he makes his coffee and I'm just having very light contractions.
Lily: 35:53
But he still called our midwife because my first labor was so fast. She wanted us to call her right away and to back it up quickly when I was sitting on my couch having those contractions and I'd had some amniotic fluid leaking earlier in the day, confirmed by a test from my midwife. So she said a lot of times women will give birth within five days of that slow drip happening. So I sent you a message and I said just you know, it's probably nothing, but it's leaking a little bit. I just wanted to give you a heads up Christmas Eve but I'm like probably not going to happen. Sure enough, it's probably nothing, but it's leaking a little bit. I just wanted to give you a heads up for Christmas Eve but I'm like probably not going to happen. Sure enough, it happens. And we called you too.
Lily: 36:36
My oldest daughter was sleeping, water breaks at 1.30. And I just have very light contractions, probably every 10 minutes. And it was really weird for me because I was expecting, like I had with my first. I thought it was just going to be immediate intensity and it wasn't. And that gave me time to get in my head because after contraction passed I felt so normal, I was like, oh okay, well, I can talk and interact with everybody again, and I didn't have that the first time.
Lily: 37:10
So when the contraction would subside, I kind of was thinking about what was coming next. I knew this time, you know what the pain was like towards the end of labor and pushing and I started to dread that and I actually I felt really fearful for a lot of my labor and I expected to feel really confident and, on top of things, especially with it being my second, and I just wasn't. So my mom right. So we had to call my mom to come back and she lives in Bangor, an hour and a half away from us, as we're in Greenville. So her and my sister packing on up in the middle of the night and they came here. We woke up our oldest daughter this was around four, three, 30 or four in the morning.
Angela: 38:00
We woke her up and you weren't there at that point right. It must've been just before I got there. And then I think yeah, because I got there pretty early, it was before five. So yeah, oh, yeah, okay, so yeah, my mom came and picked her up. And then I think yeah, because they're pretty early, it was before five.
Lily: 38:09
So yeah, oh, yeah, okay. So yeah, my mom came and picked her up and so my I was. I was in our bedroom for the whole labor and I stayed in there while he went to go wake her up. And he said, you know, he woke her up and she just jumped out of that bed in tears of just excitement and joy. So she runs in the room and just starts crying and hugging me and asking if I'm okay.
Lily: 38:40
And we said Merry Christmas to her because it was Christmas and she just could not believe her sister was coming. And so, you know, I told her she was going to open presents with her Mimi, because I'd be having the baby. And she was just so aware of how I was doing. I'd have a contraction, I would breathe through it, I was in, you know, visibly in pain, and she was just calm. It was just that was very peaceful. And then I'd come out of that contraction and be like, see, you know, this is the baby coming, my body's doing the work and she's coming.
Lily: 39:16
So right before my daughter had to leave with my mom, she ran into her bedroom and she brought back in with her a mini Christmas tree and wanted to wish me Merry Christmas. And she said I'm going to bring Christmas to you, since you, and wanted to wish me Merry Christmas. And she said I'm going to bring Christmas to you, since you can't come down and have Christmas. And so of course I just cried and that was a beautiful moment and I hugged her and she left with my mom and we got right down to it and it sounds like you came shortly thereafter.
Angela: 39:48
Yeah, I think so. You guys are kind of chatting with her on the phone, just making sure she's all set when I came in and that's so beautiful that she was able to sit there and see you through some of the contractions.
Lily: 40:00
Yeah, that was a really unique experience for her to be able to see some of that, and of course, I didn't want her there for the rest, for the really intense part, but she got to see, you know, see that, see it in action a little bit. And so at that point, you know we're in my bedroom, it was dark and we just had like white Christmas tree lights up in our room. I'm just someone who needs it very quiet, very dim lighting, nobody in the room, so it was just my husband and I in our bedroom. My midwife and assistant were in the house and they would come in, I mean incrementally, to monitor all of my vitals, all the baby's vitals. But I was able to have incremental monitoring, so I wasn't hooked up to anything throughout the whole labor, which is what I needed. I just need to be with my husband because he is like my birth coach. He just, for some reason, you'd never know it on the outside, but he, it's like he knows exactly what to do, what to say, exactly what I need at every turn, which is just really special. And so I just wanted it to be him and I, because I need to get into a space where I can focus on what my body's doing, and I did not want him to leave my side. I just he's like my comfort.
Lily: 41:25
There was one point in my labor my 10 and a half hour labor where he had to go to the bathroom, and that was hard. I cried and I just freaked out. I did not want him to leave me, but other than that he did not leave my side the whole entire time. So we continued. You know my my midwife would come in. My midwife would come in it's a little blurry, but maybe every 20, 30 minutes just to continue to check my vitals and check the baby's vitals, and then she'd go out and let us get back to what we were doing.
Lily: 41:59
I mean, hours and hours went by and my labor was not progressing. I was having pretty light contractions 10 minutes apart, and so my midwife was concerned at my energy level, or lack thereof, because you need to preserve that for pushing and so she. You know we've been up all night. I went to bed late and never had the chance to fall asleep. So she's like I we need to get things going for everybody's health and safety, and that was very hard for me because to get that done.
Lily: 42:32
She wanted me to get up to get pressure on my cervix and it was just unbearably painful compared to having my first baby. So I feel like I was fighting my body a little bit, like I was so tense and I just had to keep reminding myself to breathe and let it happen, like stop resisting it. And I was praying through it in my mind and just repeating to myself trust your midwife, like she knows what she is doing, and so I just had to keep moving into some very uncomfortable positions and that felt really traumatizing. I mean, there were no horrible complications, praise God, but it just felt it was really hard and emotional to have to keep getting up and not feel like I could just settle in and nest in to just give birth. So that was hard and really painful and we were moving from my bedroom to the bathroom trying to progress the labor, and it was hard because at that point my contractions were about 30 seconds apart, so it was just enough time for me to stand up, maybe take one step, and then I would just drop to my knees for the contraction. So I just felt like I wasn't going to be able to do it. There's just one point I'm like this isn't going to happen. I cannot do this. The pain was like unbearable compared to my first. And finally I was definitely nearing the end and my midwife said you know, let's check and see how dilated you are. And she checked and I was fully dilated. So she's like you are, you know, you are good to go. And I think that gave me confidence. I was so hesitant to push because I just felt like something was wrong. So she said no, I can feel her head, she is right there. So this happened. The rest happened very similar to my first. So I was on my knees on my bedroom floor. My husband was sitting on a little children's stepstool and I had my you know head between his knees.
Lily: 44:44
Again, I was pushing and I was all out pushing this time for this delivery because it had just gone on so long. They really wanted me to get her out so that I could rest. And you know they could tell mentally I was really burnt out and over emotional. And thank goodness they saw that, because I didn't. I would have just, I would have probably taken days because I was afraid. But thankfully they noticed my emotional capacity and they're like we need to. Just, you know, let's push. I didn't feel pressure from them, but that was their suggestion and I trusted that, so I did it.
Lily: 45:26
I pushed for a long time with this one. I think it's probably three hours or so, um, and so finally I remember she felt like this was, you know, one or two more pushes. I pushed really hard and I was yelling. You know, I don't know what other moms that's happened to, but I was yelling, you heard it. So, yeah, all out yelling. And I just remember, you know, a moment of it was really severe pain and I was told to kind of do a pant type breathing, which I didn't hear my midwife say that. But all of a sudden my husband was in my ear doing mimicking that breath, and he said do this. And he was doing it and I started to do it and that was looking back.
Lily: 46:19
That was a really beautiful moment because he somehow got my attention when no one else could and he was coaching me through that, coaching me to get our baby here. And so I heard her cry. She wasn't all the way out yet, you know, she had come out. She let out her first cry. Of course, I couldn't see her. So I'm on my knees, my midwives are behind me. Midwife and assistant, they're behind me, ready to catch this baby. My husband's in front of me and he just starts bawling. He heard that baby cry and he just starts crying and that motivated me so much to do one more big push. And I did. And she came out and I could hear her crying and my husband was crying and at this point my midwife is still behind me holding the baby, you know, just kind of wiping some of that stuff down. And then they had to hand her to me through my legs, right, because they're behind me. So they hand her back up through my legs, my husband grabs her and hands her to me and I just sit back with her in my arms.
Lily: 47:34
And the most beautiful moment was when my husband just kind of grabbed my face in his hands and he looked into my eyes and he was like you did so good. You did it, you know, good job. We were both crying in that moment. And then we kind of had our moment of wow. We just did this. And then we looked down in my lap at our beautiful baby girl and I just started to cry. She was born. I'm holding her in my arms and she grabbed my finger. I'll never forget that and you were there. You captured that beautifully on camera. She just grabbed my finger and that's when I just I felt so in love and so connected with her. It was like she was just like I'm here, mom, do not let me go, and I don't know. I want to cry thinking about it. And so I remember grabbing my husband's hand and bringing his hand towards her and she grabbed his finger and seeing that I was just done for it all was just such beautiful and intense emotion at that point, and that is how she got here.
Angela: 48:47
You guys are a really beautiful team together throughout the whole labor and birth and it was really beautiful.
Lily: 48:55
Yes, it just felt so special and being on Christmas. I don't know. It was very healing for me that it happened on Christmas, because certain things felt really disappointing about the labor. But having her in my arms it's like all of that goes away and she was my Christmas present and I'm like I relate to Mary and Joseph on a whole new level. I just kept thinking that like thinking about Molly sharing a birthday you know with, with Jesus, is just really cool, oh my gosh.
Angela: 49:28
It's super cool. So how was like the rest of your day and like your immediate postpartum after that?
Lily: 49:35
Yeah, so immediate postpartum, so real, immediate. My placenta got it. It was not coming out, it was not just falling out, I was pushing and I sat there for I think like 30 minutes trying to get the placenta out and it wouldn't. So they did pull, you know, they did some things to get out that were uncomfortable. So that was not fun, but all of that kind of settled. I got into my bed. I was very sore. I just I could not sit. You know, I had to be reclined, for that was several weeks reclined. Thankfully I didn't have any tearing or anything, just very sore. But everything was healthy. The baby, despite being three weeks early, I mean she was healthy and thriving.
Lily: 50:29
The midwife does everything they would do in a hospital weighing the baby, checking the vitals, looking for any signs that would be dangerous and alarming and a red flag and everything was good. I had bleeding, but it was all in the realm of normal and a huge blessing. I felt so good emotionally and mentally, in contrast to the first, even immediately, looking back, I didn't realize, even immediately I was not doing well with my first, I just was. I felt so much clarity and when my midwife said to me clarity and when my midwife said to me you're not pregnant anymore, I felt such relief, in contrast to my first. I was very sad. I actually grieved not being pregnant with my first and with this one. It was a relief. It was like all of the depression that I'd had that whole pregnancy was lifted almost immediately and I felt so good mentally. I'm like let's have my family come. I want to visit with people. Physically I felt horrible, but I would much rather be in physical distress than than mental distress.
Lily: 51:48
And then the days following the first couple of days my midwife comes every day to check in on me, run through all of the questions health, safety, check all of my vitals and again check all the baby's vitals, continue to look for any signs that wouldn't be normal and everything was healthy. And then my midwife continues to come back twice a week for a couple of weeks and she does all of my care and the baby's care for six weeks. So to have a home birth. One thing that is so amazing is you don't have to go anywhere. She comes to you and everything that's. You know. It's like a mobile doctor's office.
Lily: 52:32
People think home birth and think you know, like just I don't know. There's lots of different things people picture, but it's very. Their medical and safety is at the heart and center. She has all of the basic emergency needs like oxygen and the means to help with or stop hemorrhaging and all of that kind of stuff. So everything was healthy and fantastic in the immediate postpartum. There were some complications a few months later, but everything was good at first.
Angela: 53:07
Yeah, so did you have some of the same struggles later on in your postpartum.
Lily: 53:13
Yeah, that's a great question. So I thought I was at first I didn't have a reference for what's a normal postpartum mentally and emotionally normal postpartum mentally and emotionally. This season of life I've been blessed with amazing mom friends who are very like-minded, and so I had that this time that and I could reach out and be like you know, it was maybe six days postpartum and all I was doing was crying. I just felt despair, all kinds of thoughts run through your head of inadequacy. I was afraid my baby would die in the night, or really intense fears that we just don't talk about but are really common, and so those moments were less than the good mental and emotional moments, and so I would just say to myself no, I know what to look for now If this is going to go on and on day after day. I know it's postpartum depression or anxiety. I was experiencing moments and even days where I felt very down and very anxious, but they were in the realm of normal. Your body goes through a trauma, as you know, with pregnancy and the hormonal change and the life change, so I was experiencing things that are very normal.
Lily: 54:33
However, right before she turned three months, I started to have a horrible pain in my knee. It swelled right up. It was just massive. I won't go into how long of a story this is, but many doctor's appointments happened and it was okay. We think it's a torn meniscus from falling to your knees in labor, possibly a torn tendon. And then the redness and swelling spread down the rest of my leg and to my foot and my foot swelled up. There was concern for a blood clot, for infection. All of that stuff was negative. So we had an appointment scheduled to get in to a specialist and they couldn't see me for three months so we just kept trying to get in sooner.
Lily: 55:22
Meanwhile my leg is just getting so much worse. It looked bright red, just like a massive sunburn, and it hurt, it stung. So I was on crutches, I couldn't walk and I had this newborn baby and then it started to happen to my other knee and I had to be in a wheelchair. I couldn't get myself up off the couch. I had, you know, a commode in my living room right next to me and praise God for our amazing church and church family Because the women from my church, they created a whole system, a whole sign-up sheet, and they were at my house in shifts every single day for six weeks, taking care of me. House in shifts every single day for six weeks, taking care of me, doing diaper changes, bouncing my baby, playing with my oldest, ella, so that my husband could continue to work. People were making meals for us for six weeks straight and it turns out I had a really rare nerve condition called RSD, which is reflex sympathetic dystrophy.
Lily: 56:28
It's pretty much just a malfunction of the nervous system, your sympathetic nervous system, which deals with your fight or flight response and stress response. So kind of to put it in simple terms, my body, my body, my brain was telling my body that I had a very severe injury like a torn meniscus, and so it mimics all of those same symptoms. I had every symptom of a broken foot, every symptom of a torn meniscus, but that wasn't what was actually going on. It was all in my nervous system and so the treatment for that was a nerve block. So they went into my spine and they do a nerve block of the sympathetic nervous system and the doctor explained it to me. It's similar to shutting down a computer and rebooting it, hoping that the problem goes away. Science can't really fully explain the nerve condition I have and why and what causes it and how it works. But it is common to emerge in the postpartum time as many different underlying illnesses, it's common for them to emerge during the postpartum time. So postpartum is just clearly not like my jam, because this was also a very, very big deal.
Lily: 57:53
However, I kept saying I would take this physical pain over emotional because the beauty in it all, I mean this was a very. It was hard. I had to grieve this because I couldn't just walk around and bounce my baby. I felt so good mentally, you know, compared to the first, I'd hoped to be out and doing things and experiencing the world with a newborn, so I had to grieve it. It was a really dark time for a little while for my husband and I and all our hopes that we'd had were just kind of put on hold and my husband had to do everything. You know, once you get home from work. He couldn't come home and unwind a little bit. He was getting my dinner, getting Ella's dinner, doing all the bath times, all the bedtimes, and I couldn't go up the stairs so he would get up with the baby in the middle of the night, which at that point in time, she was only waking up once and she only needed a binky. So by three months old she was sleeping 12 or 13 hours. I mean, it was just a miracle.
Lily: 58:59
What I wanted to emphasize was the beauty that was going on. So, even though it was just a very hard season on so, even though it was just a very hard season, I had women here every day, taking care of me, cleaning my house and doing meals. I got to just sit here and hold my baby for two months straight and I thought I needed to be out doing fun things with my newborn and all these images in my mind of what it would be like to live life with a newborn. But really I just got to sit and be present. I didn't have a choice. So I just got to hold her and I didn't miss a thing. I saw her every smile. I was there watching every first thing that she did. You know, every new thing. From the first moment they discover their hands. You know, she sees, oh, like this thing is part of me. All of those things I just got to soak in, as well as with my oldest she. She was so good having to occupy herself all that time, but we spent time together in my living room and I just learned to soak in the beauty because I had my beautiful children.
Lily: 1:00:13
I had deep friendships that were forming because women some of them I didn't really know well, from my church willing to be here folding my laundry, cleaning my floors, doing dishes, helping me to the bathroom, staying with my child while I showered, I mean, you name it they were doing. And in the midst of all this, before the knee thing happened, we actually we were incubating chicken eggs. They all hatched out during this pandemonium of a newborn and me not being able to walk. So we also had a box full of baby chicks in our living room and that was another chore that needed to be tended to. When women came over, you know they'd be like what is that peeping? And oh yeah, those are chickens. Yes, they're in my living room. So just that was a blessing. You know this. These cute little, you know animals that we get got to watch and raise. By we I mean the women in my church coming to take care of us.
Lily: 1:01:22
So you know it's having a baby, from pregnancy to birth to postpartum, is embracing the beauty and the sorrow. It's embracing the light and the darkness altogether, the hope and the disappointments and allowing yourself to feel all of it. Don't put it in a box of it's all bad or it's all good, because it's always going to be and feel both. And I think if we can learn I mean in life in general too to live into both of those at the same time, not waiting for things to get good, not dwelling in the fact that things are bad, but letting it both happen at the same time, I think that's really where we can experience the joys around us and become content, instead of trying to fix everything. It's okay that things are broken, because there's beauty. You can find beauty in every brokenness, no matter how bad it is.
Angela: 1:02:27
Yeah, that is a really good point that you just made there. Is there anything else you'd like to share for someone who might be expecting, or even new parents?
Lily: 1:02:37
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I would recommend home birth. I'm absolutely biased in that, but, um, and it's not for everybody, but I think really looking into your options and understanding what a home birth entails is so important. Have a birth photographer, namely you, because you are so wonderful and amazing. And I would say listen, listen to your body throughout the whole process, your mind and your body, and become okay with whatever it's doing, as long as it's in the realm of normal, and don't be afraid to talk openly about your mental health, especially in the postpartum timeframe, because so much of it is normal. I learned so much of what feels so despairing is actually normal. Um, we just need to talk about it more.
Angela: 1:03:34
Yeah, you mentioned you're so like sort of like isolated feeling in the postpartum, especially with your first, and for people to know that it's really you're not alone, like you feel alone, but you're really like in the bigger, you know, even though you're immediate. And I know, like like the internet obviously has advanced so much in the last like 10 years so things are different.
Lily: 1:03:53
now there's a lot more groups and things online, but yeah, I would say don't, don't get your picture of what pregnancy and postpartum should look like from social media, because social media is a highlight reel, which is great. We can celebrate those highlights because there are many of them, but just know, every single woman is feeling the hard things that you are feeling, and so I think just being okay with with the hard moments is really important. I think another thing if you are someone of faith, like myself, I had a paper with some Bible verses that are really encouraging to me. I wrote those down to have with me during labor for someone to read to me, and in one of the most discouraging points of my labor, my midwife read them. Can I read one If?
Angela: 1:04:45
that's okay. Yeah, I'd love that. Yeah, that was beautiful. And Christmas morning your midwives are reading you these yeah, absolutely so.
Lily: 1:04:53
This one is found in Colossians one, verses 11 through 13.
Lily: 1:04:57
And it says we pray that you may be strengthened and invigorated with all power, according to his glorious might, to attain every kind of endurance and patience with joy, giving thanks to God who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of God's people in the light, for he has rescued you and has drawn you to himself from the dominion of darkness and has transferred you into the kingdom of his beloved son. And the second one that I had was Ephesians 1, 18. And it says, and I pray, that the eyes of your heart, the very center and core of your being, would be enlightened, flooded with light by the Holy Spirit, so that you will know and cherish the hope, the divine guarantee, the confident expectation to which he's called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in God's people. And those scriptures, for me, just about God's strength and light, would become more important to me than I would ever know, because there was dark times to follow for sure, and clinging to those promises and those words were everything to me when it was super dark.
Angela: 1:06:16
It was such a beautiful moment when your midwives were reading that to you, and it seems like after that you really had a little bit of a shift in relaxation.
Lily: 1:06:26
Oh, absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, I needed that truth in that moment for sure. And it helps to have truth like that written down in advance, because when you get into a headspace, maybe even in the postpartum time, where you don't know what's normal, you can look at something like that scripture and I'm like, okay, I know this to be true, even though it doesn't feel like it is.
Angela: 1:06:53
Yeah, that's a good point. So I do have one more question for you. You got your photos back of your birth and you're looking back at your birth photos. How did that make you feel?
Lily: 1:07:07
Oh, my goodness, there were so. There was so much emotion. I cried looking at the whole album, happy tears. I was so thankful that I had you there. I some of the pictures at first I could not even look at because it I remembered exactly how I was feeling in those moments and some of the moments were painful and even felt traumatizing. So I'm still so thankful they were captured and I've since been able to look at them, because time and you captured the moment where I had just had her and my face, you know, in his hands, and we were, he was looking at just you could just see the love in his eyes.
Lily: 1:07:51
You capture that just so beautifully. And you capture that moment where Molly reached up and grabbed my finger, you know, with the grip. So I, looking at my photos, just beyond thankful that I had them. You just went above and beyond. I'll put a plug in here for you, highly recommending.
Lily: 1:08:09
I mean, I didn't even realize you were there during the labor half the time, because you're just so quiet and you seem to come in the room for pictures at the perfect times, you know. And at one point later on my husband told you that he'd come out into the hallway and you were sitting on the floor and you'd been there for a while and he got a chair or he had you, oh, he had you go in the nursery to sit in the chair. You're just so committed. And then, of course, because we didn't get to do the maternity session, you came back and you did newborn session instead and it was just so incredible to me that you came Christmas morning. You have your own beautiful family and I'd expressed if it happens Christmas, please don't feel like you have to come and I meant that, but of course we were so thankful that you did and it was, it was just really special to have you there. So we're we're so thankful for you and our pictures oh my gosh.
Angela: 1:09:11
Yes, it was a very special Christmas, for sure. Such it's always just such an amazing thing to be part of, like especially on Christmas. Just even more special, yeah yeah.
Lily: 1:09:23
Can I ask you a question? Of course course, yeah. Is that allowed? Yeah, from what? Like from your perspective behind the camera and being like a total outside perspective at a birth of people, you don't know like what, what was going through your head at times, or was there something like that stood out to you? I'm just so curious.
Angela: 1:09:45
Well, definitely the moment when your midwives were reading the scripture to you, like on Christmas morning, that was like a moment, was like kind of like what's special for me, and then like capturing all those moments and all of that emotion right after you're bringing her up, that's just like incredible. You were just like. It was just like happiness on top of happiness on top of happiness. You were just, oh my gosh, the baby, oh my gosh, she's holding my hand, just like you're, just like I mean, it's just awesome. It's just awesome to see and to document and to deliver you those beautiful images for you to just have this. Does Ella like to look through them?
Lily: 1:10:21
yeah, she does, because she wasn't there for those first few moments after she was born. So she loves it. And we got a video of her coming in too, for the first time, meeting her sister. She just cried. She couldn't believe it. That was special yeah.
Angela: 1:10:44
Well, thank you so much, Lily, for sharing your stories today. It was such a pleasure to chat with you.
Lily: 1:10:50
Oh my gosh. Of course I'm so happy that I got to do this with you.
Angela: 1:10:57
And that's the end of another episode of the my Main Birth podcast. Thank you for joining me and listening. I hope that the stories shared here have been inspiring and informative to all of my listeners. If you're looking to capture your own birth story, I highly recommend considering my birth photography services. I'm a professional photographer and I'm very passionate about capturing the raw and emotional moments of the birthing process moments of the birthing process and I designed a personalized and intimate photo album, creating a beautiful and lasting memory of one of the most special moments of your life. For more information, head over to mymainphotocom and schedule a call with me. Thanks again for tuning in and I look forward to bringing you more amazing birth stories. Don't forget to subscribe and leave me a review, and I'll see you back here again next week.