MyMaine Birth Danielle’s Covid Birth Story of Trauma and Resillience
Today’s birth story guest is Danielle and she shares all about her struggles with pre-eclampsia and the story of her son’s birth during COVID.
In our latest podcast episode, we immerse ourselves in the stirring narrative of Danielle, a mother who walked the tightrope of a high-risk pregnancy against the backdrop of the COVID-19 pandemic. Her tale is a mosaic of courage, vulnerability, and the unbreakable bonds of motherhood, painting a picture that many will find familiar and inspiring. As we delve into her story, we traverse the landscape of childbirth, from the initial discovery of pregnancy to the emotional crescendo of delivery, and beyond.
Danielle's odyssey began on an ordinary night, pierced by a sharp pain that hinted at an ovarian cyst. Little did she know, this discomfort was the harbinger of a miraculous pregnancy following a history of fertility challenges. With six adopted children already enriching her family tapestry, the revelation of her pregnancy was as much a shock as it was a joy. Her narrative captures the essence of maternal resilience, as she grapples with the complications of preeclampsia, high blood pressure, and the daunting prospect of preterm labor.
As the world grappled with the pandemic, Danielle's experience in the delivery room was marked by isolation—a stark contrast to the typical birth surrounded by loved ones. Yet, through the silent halls and masked faces, she discovered a wellspring of inner strength and an unspoken camaraderie with mothers worldwide sharing a similar plight. Her labor was an intimate ballet of pain and power, devoid of the preferred pain relief options and the comforting presence of her partner.
The arrival of her child, a son born into the chaos of a world paused by the virus, was a moment of unparalleled emotion. It was an instant bond, a recognition so profound that it left an indelible imprint on her soul. Yet, this euphoria was swiftly tempered by the harsh realities of the pandemic as her newborn was whisked away to the NICU, leaving Danielle to grapple with the searing pain of separation, compounded by her own COVID-19 diagnosis.
Danielle's journey through motherhood did not end at childbirth; it was a passage that continued as she navigated the NICU's uncertainties and the trials of breastfeeding. Her story is one of trust and intuition, a call to expecting and new parents to advocate for themselves and their little ones, to find joy even in hardship. It is a narrative that underlines the beauty and legacy of motherhood, the strength that emanates from moments of profound vulnerability, and the power of a mother's love to transcend even the most trying of circumstances.
Danielle's story is a beacon for all parents who have faced the stormy seas of a pandemic-era birth. It is a reminder that within the tapestry of motherhood, each thread, whether dyed in shades of pain or joy, contributes to a richer, more resilient whole. As we draw this episode to a close, we invite listeners to embrace their own stories with courage and to hold onto the belief that even in the darkest of times, there is light to be found in the laughter and tears of bringing new life into the world.
Today, I want to take a moment to acknowledge that not all birth experiences are filled with joy and celebration. For the mamas that are currently pregnant, you may want to shield yourself from potentially triggering stories. I want to take this moment to honor your emotional well-being and provide a compassionate trigger warning.
For the rest of the week, we are going to hear powerful stories that shed light on the challenges, the unexpected turns, and the emotional aftermath of a birth story that does not go as you imagined it would. I believe it’s important to create a safe space for these narratives, to raise awareness, and to support those who have gone through difficult birth experiences.
To all the pregnant mothers listening, I encourage you to assess your emotional readiness for today’s episode. If hearing stories of birth trauma might not be what you need at the moment , I completely understand. Please feel free to skip the rest of the episodes for this week and join me again next week for an empowering birth tale.
For those who have recently experienced birth trauma yourself, I want you to know that you are not alone. I see you, I hear you, and I am here to support you.
In addition to my weekly podcast and my adventures across Maine as a Birth Photographer, I offer a virtual service designed specifically for mothers who need to process their birth stories.
My Birth Debrief’s over Zoom provide a safe and confidential space to explore your emotions, find healing, and work through any lingering feelings of disappointment, fear, or grief.
I am an experienced birth professional and I am ready to listen with empathy, offer guidance, and help you navigate the complexities of your birth experience.
Click HERE for more information and to schedule your session today.
Full Transcript:
Angela: 0:01
Welcome to my Maine Birth, a space where we share the real-life stories of families and their unique birth experiences in the beautiful state of Maine, From our state's biggest hospitals to birth center births and home births. Every birth story deserves to be heard and celebrated. For those that don't know me yet, I'm Angela, your host, and today I want to take a moment to acknowledge that not all birth experiences are filled with joy and celebration. For the mamas that are currently pregnant, you may want to shield yourself from potentially triggering stories, so I want to take this moment to honor your emotional well-being and provide a compassionate trigger warning For the rest of the week. We're going to hear powerful stories that shed light on the challenges, the unexpected turns and the emotional aftermath of a birth story that does not go as you imagined it would. I believe it's important to create a safe space for these narratives, to raise awareness and to support those who have gone through difficult birth experiences. To all the pregnant mothers listening, I encourage you to assess your emotional readiness for today's episode. If hearing stories of birth trauma might not be what you need at the moment, I completely understand. Please feel free to skip the rest of the episodes for this week and join me again next week for an empowering birth story on Monday. Me again next week for an empowering birth story on Monday.
Angela: 1:28
For those who have recently experienced birth trauma yourself, I want you to know that you are not alone. I see you, I hear you and I'm here to support you. In addition to my weekly podcast and my adventures across Maine as a doula and birth photographer, I offer a virtual service designed specifically for mothers who need to process their birth stories. My birth trauma healing sessions over Zoom provide a safe and confidential space to explore your emotions, find healing and work through any lingering feelings of disappointment, fear or grief. I'm an experienced birth professional and I'm ready to listen with empathy, offer guidance and help you navigate the complexities of your birth experience. If you're interested in scheduling a birth trauma healing session, visit my website mymainphotocom to learn more and to book your session.
Angela: 2:24
Remember your story matters and I'm here to support you every step of the way. Together, we can heal, grow and find strength in our shared experiences. Thank you for joining me today on my Main Birth and remember to take care of yourself and each other and, as always, let's keep the conversation going. You can always message me over on social media. You can find me on Facebook or Instagram. At MyMainBirth, today's birth story guest is Danielle, and she shares all about her son's birth during COVID. Hi Danielle, welcome to MyMainBirth.
Danielle: 3:01
Hello, good morning.
Angela: 3:03
So, to get started, will you share a little bit about you and your family?
Danielle: 3:08
Yes, I would love to. First, I wanted to just say thank you so much for the opportunity and, as I was kind of looking at some of your other videos or podcasts, I was really blown away by the amount of resilience and strength in each story and I was hoping, as I'm sharing my own, although there's so many traumatic moments to me, I hope that I'm able to express that my own story is to be celebrated, regardless of the trauma. So I really appreciate that opportunity. Yeah, so my family is. We have six, well, seven, children now. We adopted six of them.
Danielle: 3:48
We started fostering children about 10 years ago and we've fostered about 40 so far. We have adopted the six of them. Two were 14 when we adopted them. Then we have also a 12-year-old, a 10-year-old and seven-year-old, a six-year-old, a five-year-old and well, actually now she's the one who's six and then also the two-year-old, my baby. Yeah, so it's been a long journey. We have a large family, and then also there's my husband. I forget about him because I'm so busy with the kids, but he's a. He's great, he works full time and I'm able to stay home and homeschool all the children. So it's it's good we have. We have a good life. It was a long struggle to get here, but we made it and we've actually stopped fostering. We just have our family, and so we don't take in any more children now. Yeah, that's that, that's my family.
Angela: 4:46
Oh my gosh, that's incredible. That is really amazing. Thank you, so now share with me when you first found out you were pregnant.
Danielle: 4:56
Yeah, okay, sure. So it was a night in February and I was just getting ready to go to bed and I started to feel this really strong pain right where my ovary is my left ovary and I started to think that it was possible that I had an ovarian cyst. I'd always been able to feel when I was ovulating, but this was pretty strong and it continued to get stronger. As you know, we did adopt six children and fostered 40. And we started that journey because we wanted to have our own children. We couldn't and I wanted to be able to help families along the way until we were able to find our own family. So in the beginning I had been taking a lot of fertility medications. We had done IYs, we'd done a lot of fertility medications, we had done IOIs, we'd done a lot of different things. The next step was IVF. We didn't have the funds for that. We were young at the time, about 25, 26. So at that time I had had some ovarian cysts because of the fertility medications. So I decided that, because the pain was continuing to get worse and I'm a worrywart, I always have been lots of anxiety I got my husband out of bed and I said we really pain was continuing to get worse and I'm a worrywart. I always have been Lots of anxiety. I got my husband out of bed and I said we really need to go to the emergency room. I'm in a lot of pain. This is not. I don't think this is normal. So we got in the car. It was late at night and we went to the emergency room. Now this was in 2021.
Danielle: 6:28
So at that time nobody else was allowed in with me because of the pandemic, and I went in there and they immediately began to run a lot of tests, including a urine screening, and they said to me just that they were going. They were going to give me some pain medications and I was chatting with the nurse. She gave me the shot in my leg to help with the pain and she was also asking me about my family and we were just chatting. At this point the pain had subsided because of the medication and she was telling me about herself and I was telling her about how we had adopted all these kids. I couldn't get pregnant. That was okay because I had a big family now and then.
Danielle: 7:01
So she left and she went to go get the doctor. She came back about five minutes later and she had with her two other nurses and the doctor. And he said to me okay, well, you know you are pregnant. And I said no, no, that's not, that's not it. And the other, the nurse who was just in there, piped up and she goes oh, no, you definitely are. And that's why I came back with two of the other nurses, because we wanted to see your reaction when you found out that after eight years you're pregnant. And I said, unfortunately, it was very anticlimactic for her because I certainly didn't believe her. And I thought well, maybe maybe there was a faulty pregnancy test, maybe it was an accident, maybe you're giving me the wrong results. These were all the things that I said to the doctor, in complete denial, and he said no, no, you are pregnant.
Danielle: 7:54
And then my immediate thought went to well then, why am I in so much pain? I said is it possible that it's an ectopic pregnancy? Is it possible it's an early miscarriage? Because my thought would not be to go to celebrate immediately, it was that something must be wrong, because this is impossible for me. And he said to me if you're not bleeding, it's probably not either of those things, but we'll schedule you for an ultrasound in the morning. It was very late, they were closed by that point. So you can go home and we'll see you first thing in the morning and we'll get that ultrasound to see whether or not something is really wrong. So I went out that night and my husband was still in the parking lot and I told him what the doctor said, and he also.
Danielle: 8:40
I mean I tried to record his reaction because I was like this is going to be good, but it was just as anticlimactic as mine, because neither of us could imagine that after all of this time we had finally become pregnant. So we went home that night and I went back first thing in the morning and got that ultrasound and they used the wand to do it and they put in the wand and they started moving it around and she goes OK, okay, there is your uterus and right there, right, there is your baby and there, there it was this tiny little blob. And then, and then she goes oh, and there's your baby's heartbeat, and that little blob was inside my uterus. I just couldn't. It was just the most amazing moment to be able to hear this baby that I dreamed of, wanted, hoped for and desired after all. This time my baby. There he was and he was healthy as far as we could tell. And who knows what that pain was. I still have no idea. But then I started to cry.
Danielle: 9:43
There was the moment that I realized that's my, that I am, I am pregnant. And I got the ultrasound photos. I took them home and I set them on my husband's dash, because we have so many kids. As soon as I got home he had to rush out to go to work and he saw it sitting there on his dash and I watched his reaction. And then there was the smile. There was the crinkles around his eyes that we had finally both accepted that there really was a baby there. So that was how we found out that we were pregnant.
Danielle: 10:12
We didn't wait any time. We immediately shared the results with everybody. Even if I were and I am, I'm a worry war, I'm very anxious. I said I don't, even if we lose this baby, even if it ends tomorrow. I want everybody to know how excited I am at this moment that we finally have that baby we've been wanting for forever. And all the kids it's so funny adopting them through foster care, because none of them were very excited Anytime I said we're getting a baby. We would just go to I don't know Walmart parking lot, you know wherever we were grabbing this baby. So they were like, oh, a baby, can we get him? Like you know now, no, we have to wait a long time before we can. We can get him, but eventually we all kind of got on board and it was.
Danielle: 10:57
It was just such an exciting time and everything went so well in the beginning, other than there was always this constant fear that I had that I would lose him. When you want something so desperately, everything that you can imagine would go wrong. I just in my mind it was waking up and being afraid. Is today the last day? But it never was, it wasn't, it wasn't.
Danielle: 11:20
And then, when I reached 24 weeks, I went in for a routine ultrasound and my blood pressure was really, really, really high and the OB at the time she was fantastic. She was so encouraging and she knew how badly I wanted this to be, how badly I wanted this to be, and she really understood the way that my mind worked and that I always imagined, you know, that the worst that would be me, that would be me. So she was very encouraging and she said you need to go up to labor and delivery so that we can monitor what's going on, because your blood pressure is so severely high. I got up there and they put all of the little things on my belly to check the baby and he looked healthy and strong and at this point we knew he was a boy, his name would be Isaiah, and the OBGYN came in and she goes. I think we're going to have to transfer you to Portland. They have an amazing NICU down that way and that's going to give your baby the best chances of survival.
Danielle: 12:25
And that was the last thing I wanted to hear, because I knew that, yes, 24 weeks, there was a chance, but that's too early for my baby. And so she said we were going to monitor a little bit longer and, praise God, my blood pressure started to go down. My blood pressure started to go down. It started to kind of settle out back down to somewhat normal levels, to the point where we were able to stay in the hospital that I had chosen as my hospital that I would like to deliver in. It is a small hospital and I wanted to stay with the same OB the whole time. I had chosen that. If I could, I would like to just be able to give birth in a hospital setting. We decided we would stay there at the hospital that I was at, and I was thankful for that because I would be able to have the same OB. She kept me for the night and my blood pressure really did go down and then I was able to be released the next morning.
Danielle: 13:23
We decided at that time that I did have preeclampsia. I did not have to be medicated. I was able to keep it within normal levels for the most part, but there were quite a few more times where I ended up back in the hospital, where they would send me down to Portland. I did have to get some shots to help with his lungs, the steroids for his lungs. To help with his lungs, the steroids for his lungs.
Danielle: 13:44
But by the grace of God I made it to 37 weeks, which was my induction date. We didn't want to stay. The OB didn't want me to stay pregnant any longer. We had to, you know, get the baby out for my health and for his. I was still able to do it at the Reddington facility, which is the hospital that I chose. So pushing forward to that moment many times in the hospital, throughout between 24 and 37 weeks, where my it just wasn't possible for me to regulate my blood pressure on my own. It had to be monitored and the baby monitored. We made it to 37 weeks and it was a week before my induction date.
Danielle: 14:22
I went in again to speak with the OB and we had been doing, I think, twice a week, ultrasounds, checking all those amniotic fluids, making sure that everything was still okay. And she said to her you know, I would do that, that would be no problem, I'd get that done the day before. I went home that night to my wonderful, beautiful, busy family and my husband had the audacity to say to me husband had the audacity to say to me we have, we have COVID. So him and my mother ended up with COVID that that evening they found out while I was at my appointment and I was like this is not good, this is not good. I don't know what's gonna happen if I end up with it right before I have my baby. They were a sin. My mom has a couple gastric issues, but my husband was completely asymptomatic, besides the fact that neither of them could smell anything, and that's what caused them to test. So I I was like I know I'm next. I know I'm next. I didn't have any symptoms at that moment. Uh, so I didn't.
Danielle: 15:42
I didn't test then, but I did take a home test the next morning, when I also woke up unable to smell anything and I was positive. And that's when I started to really get worried as well. I didn't know what, I didn't know what would happen. And at that time I in 2021, there was still some uncertainty around COVID and people were saying that especially pregnant women were susceptible, and I thought, well, what if something happens and I have a hard time breathing, or I can't deliver this baby, or it really goes south real fast, even though I feel okay right at this moment? And so there was a lot that I was kind of keeping to myself for a couple of days, just with a lot of uncertainties, just staying home. And then, and the day before my induction, I did have to go in for the test. I already knew that I was positive. I remember telling them that they did the official test.
Danielle: 16:38
The OB called me later that afternoon to tell me that my test was positive and I said what happens now? What happens now? And she said she's been talking to her supervisors or whoever else it was in the office, the other team members, else it was in the office, the other team members and she. They were thinking that I would not be able to deliver there at Reddington, just in case something went wrong. But she said that she felt confident that because my I didn't have too many symptoms, I would be able to deliver there at that hospital, which I was extremely thankful for. But she said to me unfortunately, because you are positive, you'll have to deliver by yourself and nobody will be able to go in with you.
Danielle: 17:23
And I then asked her I said is it possible that maybe somebody can go with me who's not positive? I have a sister-in-law up here and a best friend who, regardless, would be there with me, so I didn't have to be alone. And she said that to mitigate the risk to everybody else, it wasn't possible for anybody to be there with me. And that's when I really got afraid and I didn't want to do that. I did not want to do that and she said Danielle, you know that we have to induce. There's no choice. We can't wait until you're negative. You have to come in tomorrow morning so we can deliver this baby. And that was devastating.
Danielle: 18:04
I remember calling all sorts of people. My mother-in-law really got on it because, of course, my husband was devastated that he wouldn't be able to see the births of his son that we'd waited eight years to have. We called the hospital, we called whoever we could think of. We even started calling other hospitals to see if I could deliver somewhere else, and it wasn't possible. So, with heavy hearts and frustration, I went in the following morning alone.
Danielle: 18:29
When I got at the hospital, I had to go through the back door to deliver this baby at the back of the hospital. I had to go through the back door to deliver this baby at the back of the hospital. They sent a nurse out to bring me upstairs. We went up the elevator. She told me in the elevator please do not touch anything. They were trying to keep it as bay as much as they could, and I was immediately led to the labor and delivery room that I would be in until the baby came, and they were all, of course, dressed up in all of their what are they called PPEs? I think they are. She got all of that. All the nurses there did. They were all very gracious, they were very kind. They knew that this was not. This was not what anybody would want, especially with their first baby, especially because I had preeclampsia. Anything could go wrong, which I knew. I was so well aware, always thinking about what could go wrong. I got up in there and they immediately started the cervix softeners, trying to get things going. That first day Not much had happened. We just kept kind of waiting, kind of waiting for things to soften and maybe a little dilation. Eventually that day they were able to get the balloon in that way. They were hoping to get me to four centimeters so that they could break my water. All of this was fine.
Danielle: 19:51
I wasn't really feeling too much of the loneliness at this point. It was still kind of the excitement of being able to give birth to my son, and I had an amazing nurse who was in there with me, who knows that my faith is really important to me, and she was willing to pray with me. It was somebody that I had known outside of the hospital, somebody that we homeschool our children together, and I was so thankful for her to be there with me, offering to pray with me. And she reminded me she goes. You know that you are alone, but this whole time you've had your son with you and he's going to be here with you and he is here and he's experiencing this with you and that really helped me to put it into perspective that, yes, my husband wasn't here but it's been me and my baby this whole time, and that really helped me to put it into perspective that, yes, my husband wasn't here but it's been me and it's been me and my baby this whole time and I can do this. I can, and he was doing so.
Danielle: 20:42
Well, at this point they had all of the monitors on and it was. It was going okay. They did the balloon. They put the balloon catheter and that is very. Maybe it's not a catheter, what is it called? A balloon, whatever it's called that balloon thing. You know what I'm talking about. It did it was okay, but it was very uncomfortable. I don't know if anyone else who else has had that, but that's no fun time.
Danielle: 21:06
I think what was starting to really happen to me at this point it was about 830, 830 PM on that first night it was the 25th of August I started to get a little bit claustrophobic. I was in this room Anytime. A nurse came in the door immediately shut behind her. I'd been in the room all day. There was only one window in this room but you couldn't see out the window because there was this giant vent, because it was the COVID positive room and the vent was running very loudly. So there was no windows, I couldn't walk the halls, I had to stay in this one room and I was starting to feel a little claustrophobic at this point, uncomfortable. I was starting to feel a little bit of pressure.
Danielle: 21:49
I did not sleep that night and then I think it was about 4 am in the morning when I started to panic and I was feeling panicky because, again, that room, the walls just seemed to close in on me. I was so alone and I know the nurses were trying to give me space because it was bedtime and I should be sleep, I should be sleeping, and that was when I started to really get a little bit more anxious about being there. I started to get jittery and just feeling like I needed to escape this room and I apologize, that was actually the 26th, that was the night of the 26th, so at this point I'd been in there for about 48 hours and I think that's probably why I started to get a little panicky. I called my husband and, like any good husbands, would be. At 4am in the morning. He was sleeping and I imagine that's what he'd be doing there at the hospital too. So I called my mom and, believe it or not, she was sleeping too, and I just I felt this feeling like I would have to call up the nurses. Somebody would have to come in and talk to me for a couple of minutes, because I was starting to feel more anxious than I was, even in pain.
Danielle: 23:00
And then I thought I think I'll call my dad. He lives in New York and he's an early bird, and you know what he did. He answered the phone and I cannot remember what he said to me. I can't remember if he said anything at all. I think it was the companionship at that point, just to say to him dad, I'm scared and I feel lonely and I feel isolated and I don't know. I don't know what, where I'm gonna go for here from here. This is really difficult, dad, and I remember saying those things to him, but I don't remember what he said back to me. It doesn't, I don't, it doesn't really matter, because by the time I got off the phone with him, maybe 45 minutes later, I felt a lot more calm. I really needed that moment with just one other person to hear, hear me out and to to proverbially hold my hand and and get me through that moment.
Danielle: 23:50
The next morning now, if we pushed ourselves to the morning of the 27th, after that had happened, around 10 am, they came in, took out the balloon and were able to make my water break and I was at four centimeters and that's when those good old Pitocin contractions hit in and I started to feel those pretty heavily and that was okay, almost. You know, surprisingly, at that moment I was okay being alone because I didn't have to worry about, you know, making sure my husband was okay, had been several days at this point not worrying so much about his comfort, and I had been watching a lot of videos on YouTube the first two days about what should I be doing in these moments to kind of prepare for the pain levels. And this one woman said something about holding a fork in your hand and that would help the prongs in your palm, would help with the pain levels. And I didn't have a fork but I had my hair clip and I'm surprised that to this day I don't have indentations in the palm of my hand because I was really squeezing that hair clip. But I did that for a while. They had the peanut ball and different balls in there that I would bounce on. It was all. It was all well and good. I was doing very well until probably about 6pm that evening when it was getting really unbearable.
Danielle: 25:17
At this hospital that I was delivering at, they did not offer epidurals, which is the route I would have taken. I would just have done it that way. They did not offer them there and I didn't want to go to a different hospital because I really liked my OBGYN. But they did have something called walking epidurals or something to that effect and I could not get it until I was six centimeters because the anesthesiologist would not give it to you again. You only had four hours to use it, so they wanted to wait until you were about six centimeters and at 6m I had been, it had been pretty.
Danielle: 25:55
Those contractions were very, very difficult for me and I was really starting to struggle. The nurse came in and I told her that I was struggling and I said would you please check if I'm at six centimeters? I want that medication. And she checked and she goes. I'm so sorry you. You're only at four still, and I felt so defeated because they broke my water at 10 in the morning and I was still sitting there at four centimeters and I said to her well, if I'm not at six centimeters by 10 PM, I want to have a C-section. You have to get this baby out of me. I can't do it anymore At this point.
Danielle: 26:37
Being in the hospital for three days with this seduction alone in this room, I was so defeated, so done, and I didn't think that I didn't think there was any. There was no way. There was no way I was going to make it. And the nurse could see how desperate I was getting so she did call the OB in. I think the OB had a soft spot for me because I was alone in there with preeclampsia and COVID, you know.
Danielle: 27:01
So she came in at 630. And at this point I'm bouncing on that ball, but I'm pretty close to tears. And she said to me what's going on, danielle? I said I'm done, I'm so done. I said what are other women doing? Please give me a hint, what am I supposed to do? And she goes. Well, you know other women, they, they, they take deep breaths and they bounce on the ball. And I just I was.
Danielle: 27:27
I was so frustrated, so frustrated not so, not with her, of course, but that wasn't getting me anywhere. I couldn't bounce on that ball anymore. I mean, deep breaths were not cutting it. I must be a baby. But at four centimeters I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't do it. If he said I will come in in a couple more hours, hopefully by then you're ready. And this is where I really wanted my husband. I really needed somebody, anything to take my mind off how difficult this pain was. Being alone was just not what I wanted. Anybody to help me to regulate, and it was looking back at it. Now I am so proud of myself that I was able to do this alone and I really didn't lose it too much. I was frustrated and I'm trying to express that to you that it was difficult for me, but I thought I was holding myself together pretty well and looking back at that person who I was then, there is so much of for me to be proud of, that I could. I could do that alone. So that was about six, 30. I think then it was about seven, 15. It was not too much. It was not too much.
Danielle: 28:31
Farther into it, I'm on the floor and I'm on that peanut ball that she told me I should bounce on because that'll help. You know what? It didn't. It didn't help and they also didn't have the gas that I could use either, because I was COVID positive. So I wasn't able to use the gas. There was no other choices. I was praying for that walking epidural thing to help me out. I'm on a 715.
Danielle: 28:56
I'm bouncing on that ball and I started to feel like I bet you that if I push really hard it'll central the pain and I won't feel these contractions anymore. So I started to do that. I was on the ball and I just started to try to focus that pain out of my body, started to push really hard a couple times and then I thought, oh, this feels better actually if I push. So then I got out down on the ground and I was on my hands and knees and I pushed maybe once or twice more and then I thought, oh, in my mind I'm thinking the ground is dirty. I got to get off the ground and I tried to walk myself to the bed and I think I was groaning, probably pretty loudly, and the nurse came in again.
Danielle: 29:43
It's about 730 at this point. It's about 15 minutes of me pushing on the floor. And she says how are you doing? And I said I'm not doing. Well, I really not. I said but you know, if I'm on that ball or I'm pushing a little bit, it helps, it makes me feel better.
Danielle: 30:00
And she goes oh, you're pushing, I better check. I said, oh, you don't need to check, they were just in here 45 minutes ago. I'm only at four centimeters. She goes, no, if you're pushing, I'm going to check. So she checked in. And she goes, oh, to check. So she checked in. And she goes, oh, you're at 10 centimeters and that's the baby's head. So let's get in bed. And I was like no, I was. So I was like this can't be happening to me. Where's my medication? I really wanted that medication. It was too late. It was too late for that. I had missed. I had missed my window of opportunity. So we got on that bed and it was just a couple of minutes later. I was also really thankful because my OB wasn't on that night, but she lived very close, so she came right back. She was there for the whole time.
Danielle: 30:46
They got me on that bed and we did some pushing backwards and then on the commode as well. We did a lot of pushing. What I didn't know then that I know now is that the baby was facing the wrong direction. I believe he was sunny side up. They told me. They did not tell me at that time and I think that it was a conspiracy between them. We are not going to tell her the things that could make her think this is worse than what it really is. So that was kind of something they kind of kept to themselves. But I realized now that all the different positions we were trying, they were really trying to turn that baby so that the delivery would be easier. So anyways, we I was able to I don't know how many hours I pushed a long time and I I know that that first baby it's it's figuring out how to push and how to get them out, and it took. It just took a long, long, long time.
Danielle: 31:38
It was probably midnight, I think I will have to say this as well as soon as I started pushing, I wanted my husband to be there. They had given me a tablet that we could Zoom call so my husband could kind of be there while I was delivering the baby. Unfortunately, the audio was terrible on that. So instead we used my cell phone, because the audio was better on Facebook Messenger is how we decided to do that. So I got him on there and I am trying all these positions as well as trying to hold my phone. So my husband can, you know, be part of this? I was. That was very difficult, very difficult for me to be focusing on the phone and focusing on having my baby. And now I'm on my back and this is how I'm going to push this baby out, holding my legs up while holding my phone or placing it on my chest, you know, just trying to do all of these things. That was probably too much for me to do. I pushed, I pushed, I pushed. Finally there was just a little sliver of head.
Danielle: 32:45
What was really interesting was when we started this process, they turned off the Pitocin, thinking that my body would just kind of pick up and do the contracting on its own, and it really didn't. So by the point I was that I was pushing. It was not nearly as painful as I would expect. It was actually much more mild than when I was trying to. When I was having the contractions, I would have to look at the screen to know when it was time to push, because I just didn't feel it as much as I probably should have. So that's probably what took a long time.
Danielle: 33:16
I feel the baby's head just a little bit. They tell me they see it and she goes I have the magic mirror. Do you want to see your baby? She said we can put the mirror there and you can see your baby's head. And the whole thought for me of seeing my baby part of my baby was just me, of seeing my baby part of my baby was just that was not appealing to me. I just didn't like that idea. I was afraid that if I saw that just a little bit was out, I would panic seeing my body like that. So I said no, I'm not, I can't, I can't do that.
Danielle: 33:49
But I did get brave enough to put my hand down there and I felt his hair and, just as I expected, while exciting, I did start to panic. What if he gets stuck? What if they have to vacuum him out? What if his heart rate drops and they have to do an emergency C-section and his head gets stuck? I mean, these are the thoughts going through my exhausted brain and in a panic I pushed as hard as I could, and that baby flew out.
Danielle: 34:20
I mean he was out in that one push and she said, ok, all right, now you need to stop pushing, because the umbilical cord was everywhere. And the nurse said it's like spaghetti. So she was unwrapping the baby. And what woman can stop pushing? When they say stop pushing, I mean that is a difficult thing to do and I remember crying I can't, I can't. And then, in the same time, I said to them, I handed my phone to the nurse and, probably too loudly, I said show him, show him my baby. And they brought the phone down so that he could see the baby, and the only photos I have of my baby are these grainy messenger babies that he had taken, you know, from there. And it was, it is what it is.
Danielle: 35:06
So they did that, they cleaned him up. He was perfect, he was absolutely perfect. Which is just the biggest shock of all of this is how perfect he was. And the thing I will never forget is, though, I was able to push him completely out in one push, and boy did I tear because of that. His legs were still inside of me a little bit, and I remember thinking as his legs were still kicking. This is the last time I'll feel my son inside of me, and what an amazing feeling. What an amazing feeling feeling those tiny bits of him, the last bit as he leaves my body, becomes his own person. They cleaned him up a little bit and they put him right on my chest and it was the most incredible thing in the entire world, because he looked straight in my eyes and I looked back at him and I was blown away with the fact that those eyes staring back at me were my own eyes. It was like I knew him, that this was my child and, although I love all my adopted children and they are mine, when I looked at him and I saw that this was my baby and those eyes were my eyes, it was a different kind of knowing that we had a connection, the two of us, nobody else, that we were there together.
Danielle: 36:25
I did not want to cut his umbilical cord Again. I think I was angry. That was not my job, that was my husband's job. He couldn't be there with me to experience this. I couldn't see, see his face, I couldn't see him meet his son. Uh, that that's something that I I feel very sadly about, those moments taken away and maybe I shouldn't complain about this. But you ever hear about that newborn baby smell. I really wish I had smelled it. I wish I had been able to smell my baby's head and experience that, and I couldn't because I had COVID and I had no smell.
Danielle: 37:06
We had a wonderful, amazing 24 hours together. He was precious. I was in pain. I again wished my husband had been there, you know, so he could do the diapers and watch him. But I had a lot of anxiety also about my baby Now that he was out.
Danielle: 37:25
Sure, that part's over, but what if he has sins, you know, first night? You know what if he just stops breathing? What if he defecates on his blanket? That I tried to put back the right way, swaddle in the right way, but I'm not as good as the nurses. So of course, there's no sleeping. There's no sleeping after all of this.
Danielle: 37:43
It was me and my baby. It was me and my baby. It was all right. I was torn up pretty bad. It was pretty. I had a lot of recovery to do.
Danielle: 37:56
We enjoyed that first 24 hours. We had somebody come in to do the lactation consultant to teach me how to do that. He had a really good suck, but he did not have a good latch and I was not good at it either. So we learned that together, tried to learn that together. She sucked in a lot of air when I would try it myself and at some point I had laid him down and I was resting a little bit.
Danielle: 38:19
The nurse came in to see about 24 hours later how he was doing and she noticed that on his blanket there was some foamy spit up. And in my mind I thought to myself I think that this is because he had been sucking in so much air as I was trying to teach him how to teach, as we were both trying to learn how to breastfeed. And she said I'm just going to have the pediatrician come in real quick, we will look at just to see, kind of, what she thinks of this spit up. And she took the blanket from him and brought it and then the then the pediatrician came in and she said to me this could be really dangerous. He could have some twisted bowels or intestines. I really think that we need to move him to the NICU down in Portland.
Danielle: 39:10
And I thought, if that's what we have to do, and then she said the thing I've been hearing but because you have COVID, you can't come, we have to do. And then she said the thing I've been hearing but because you have COVID, you can't come, we have to take him alone. We have to take him to the other hospital. And I thought you can't take my baby. I've had him all this time. This is my baby. We've been here together. We experienced this whole thing together. Even when I'm alone in this room, I have my baby. Don't take my baby, don't take my baby. And I knew he needed to go. I knew he needed to go. I knew they needed to make sure that he was okay.
Danielle: 39:39
It was so hard for me to let go. They came in, they had them come with the ambulance to take him there to the hospital and watching your baby get that tube stuck down his nose and pricking his little tiny feet and pooching his little lip out. As they got ready to take him away from me and having my husband, I called my husband so he could see him. It was a really hard moment. It was so hard and I said goodbye to my baby as they wheeled him out of out of that room and left me behind alone and the nurses they walked out, asked if I was okay. I wasn't okay, they left and I remember after that I took the longest shower I think I've ever taken in my life. I just got in the shower and I cried because they took my baby. It was really tough.
Danielle: 40:35
At this point now I'm really struggling because of course I can't go and my husband had gotten that COVID test done a couple of days before me and he was able. He was at the end of the of the timeframe where he was supposed to be in isolation and we fought, fought, fought, fought, fought, until I said, eric, if I can't be with my baby, I don't care. If you were in the parking lot of that facility, do not leave my baby, go down there and be with my baby. And he went down there. I mean, that's his baby too, but at that moment it was mine, he was mine. He went down there and he called them over and over again I am in the parking lot, I am past my 10. I don't remember what the time was. Was it five days? Was it seven? It was 10. I don't know. It was always changing the amount of time you had to be in isolation. Who knows? At this point I don't know. He said I am past my point. I spent I I'm on the next day, I let me in with the baby.
Danielle: 41:31
They were very nervous and I know that they were nervous, because who wants someone COVID positive around all those premature NICU babies At that time? Did I think about that? No, looking back I realize that now. I definitely realize that now they made the decision that my husband could go in, but again the door is shut and he had to wear PPEs the whole time with the N95 mask. It could not come out unless he was taking sips of water or drinking and if that was the case he had to be at the other opposite end of Isaiah, which was another issue. Because they were concerned will the baby have COVID? You were positive for COVID. He's been breastfeeding. Will he have COVID? Is this a COVID positive baby? And end of story short. He was able to go up. They ran all the tests they needed to run. He was fine, he was good. He was there 48 hours.
Danielle: 42:23
During this time. While he was there, I was alone in the hospital and I stayed the night. I stayed the night because this had happened late at night. When they took the baby it was the next morning and I called the nurses in and I said I need to leave, I'm done, I can't stay here anymore. They didn't really want me to go because I had preeclampsia your blood pressure can go up after birth. I honestly could not stay there anymore. It was very difficult for me to lie there alone without my child. So a different OB came in and he cleared me enough to go home. They let me go home and that is something that I wish on. No woman is that she has to leave a hospital without her baby. It is terrible, it is the most, it is the most awful thing in the world to my mom had to come get me, but to drive home, to go home, and my baby is not in the back seat, I'm alone. I went home and I couldn't see my baby for those two days that he was in the hospital. The only thing that helped was that my husband was there. My husband was and he was with our. He was with our child and when he walked through that door 48 hours later with my, with my baby, that was amazing. It was the most amazing thing ever to have that to have my baby back.
Danielle: 43:37
We all had to be very careful that first week we all masked inside our home. We were sure at that point probably all the kids all five of them, six of them that were at the home are all positive. We didn't, we weren't sure, but we all masked up, even in our home, trying to mitigate the risk to the baby. He never, never got it, never got COVID and we really believe that was because I was trying very, very hard to breastfeed him. It took a long time for my milk to come in, especially not having him with me those first 48 hours. That was a struggle but he did. I was able to express enough that I think that there was all those antibodies in the milk that were able to help him. So he got the antibodies from the COVID without getting the COVID. Not that it was terrible for my family anyway, but we didn't know what it would do to him. We didn't want to risk it as a newborn. We never had any issues after that.
Danielle: 44:34
Something that I really struggled with was I did not have postpartum depression. I had postpartum anxiety, which was there quite a bit while I was pregnant. There was always the fear of losing him and then, when that came to fruition and I really did lose him for a while after birth and there was those immediate issues. It only amplified that postpartum depression. I had a lot of concerns about SIDS. That was a big deal for me. I probably know more about safe sleep than anybody else. In Somerset County I was constantly trying to figure out how can I keep my baby safe? There was always the fear that something was going to happen to him. That kind of spread trickled into my children. What if this happens to this child? What if this happens to this child? What if this happens to that child?
Danielle: 45:20
I really had a very difficult time, especially those first six months after bringing him home. I was not depressed and I went in for my appointments and she did offer me medication for the anxiety. But at that point I thought if I take medicine for the anxiety, I'm not going to be as hypervigilant as I was, you know. So maybe then I'll miss something. So I would rather be hypervigilant. You know, living in my own illness, my mental illness here, about all the things that could go wrong. So we never I never medicated for that, for that either. Thankfully, after I delivered my blood pressure did spike at home, but I was not going back to the hospital. I should have taken better care of myself during that time, but I didn't. I did not do that. My blood pressure did eventually go back to normal and I was able to move on past that. This was two years ago.
Danielle: 46:14
He's going to be two on August 28th and still remembering those times of loneliness, of isolation, of fear of experience, of having an experience delivering, being pregnant and delivering my child during a time I think in our history, it was a very poignant. It's a very poignant memory for me. There's a lot, of, a lot of things that I wish didn't happen and I continue to try to remind myself that there are people that are in the hospital, that are, that are dying alone, and that I shouldn't I I shouldn't care too much or complain too much about my experience of delivering my child alone, but it but it was an experience that is valid. I've learned, to me and to my family. It shaped our family. It's time with my child that I can't change. I can't do anything about those things that had happened Because I had preeclampsia. We were too afraid for any more children. I made sure my husband took care of that problem, but it was definitely. It was more difficult than it should have been and looking back now, I realized that I was.
Danielle: 47:27
What I've learned from this experience and what I'd like to share with others is that our bodies are so strong and our minds are so strong. Strong and the things that we can put ourselves through women can put their bodies and their minds and their hearts through and their emotions is so amazing and is worth celebrating. It really is worth celebrating that we can, that we can be given the worst situation and our minds are still going, but what can I do to protect my baby? It's incredible what the human body can do and I am so grateful to be able to share this story. I don't think I've shared it in as much detail with anybody else, because it's painful, there's a lot of pain, there's a lot of loss, there's a lot of hurt feelings, but, as I share, I remember that Danielle two years ago, who did that? Who did that? And yes, there were nurses, yes, there was a fantastic OB, but I did that, I did it, I did it and it was incredible and I did it without that walking epidural that I thought that I needed and I didn't, and I'm so proud of myself, I'm so proud of myself, that we got through it and that I have this incredible experience that is so special and so unique to me and my son as something special that we share. It gives me much more added appreciation and so much more love for the birth families that I work with, for the birth families of my children, for the ones that have lost their children, maybe due to circumstances that were out of their control, and their hope and their courage and their work to get their babies and their children back home. Because after I lost my child for only two days, I thought can you imagine if this was, can you imagine one if this is forever? Or two, if you now have to work like you've never worked before to get this baby back and it could take years. It just gave me so much more love for those people that it really pressed home that we are working with families, that these moms deserve to have their babies and we should be doing everything possible to be able to get these babies back home to their moms.
Danielle: 49:34
There had been a moment as a foster parent where it was my job to go to the hospital to take a newborn home and I had to take the newborn.
Danielle: 49:44
I had to take the newborn from the birth mother and I remember her pulling the baby off of her breast to hand that baby to me and the heartbreak inside of her eyes as I put her baby inside the car seat that I picked out that was going in my car and she walked us down to the vehicle and I put her baby in my car.
Danielle: 50:10
As I'm driving off, I look in the side mirror and she just collapsed in the arms of the nurses, losing her baby and I don't know what baby and I don't know what the end result. I don't remember what the end result of that all was or where the baby went after he was in my home, but I have so much more love for that mother now, having experienced something close to that on my own having my own baby have to leave that room with somebody else that I have nothing but absolute empathy for those moms that are experiencing this and prayers that they all can get their families back as some boy. But it was eye-opening, very eye-opening for this, and I'm thankful for the experience ultimately. But yeah, so that's my story. I hope that I was able to share in a way that was clear and compelling. So thank you again. So much for that opportunity.
Angela: 51:04
Oh, my gosh of course, I do have one more question for you. I was wondering what happened when your son went to the NICU. What was the reason?
Danielle: 51:14
Yeah. So he went to the NICU because he had that foamy spit up and they thought that it was possible that he had twisted intestines, that there was air inside of him and in some way. I'm not really sure what their medical reasoning was, but I do know that foamy spit up was a huge red flag for them and so when he went they pumped his stomach and they did a bunch of different iodine like tests to check and see and make sure that all of his intestines and bowels, nothing was all twisted and nothing was. There was never any issue, which I again to me. I think it was because we didn't know what we were doing when we were breastfeeding. I think he sucked up way too much air. I remember the noises he was making. The latch was not good. I think that's what it was. It was to err on the side of caution, but it was a real difficult time. It was a real difficult time. There was a lot of bumps along the way.
Angela: 52:24
Yeah. So if you were to give advice now to someone who is expecting or a new parent, or even someone who went through some of the same things during COVID that maybe you did, what would you say?
Danielle: 52:30
I would say, to trust your body more. I didn't. I didn't have a lot of faith in what my body could do. I was constantly thinking about what my body had done wrong, without focusing on the miracle that had already taken place. I would suggest that women lean into that intuition a little bit more. I never expressed my concerns that I thought maybe the baby had sucked in too much air. I felt that the doctors and the nurses knew more. I had more sneaking suspicions about that. I had more, I guess, just as a mom, you know things maybe other people don't because it's you and it's your child and our bodies are meant to do amazing things, and I think I needed to lean into that a whole lot more.
Danielle: 53:16
My other advice would be to to have, if you have, faith, to place it in somebody else's hands or in my. What got me through it was being able to place it in in God's hands and know that I couldn't. I couldn't do it on my own. There was no way, you know. So there was a lot of, there was a lot of prayer. There was a lot of just keeping my body calm and and just giving it. Giving it to him, I would say, advocating, advocating for what you want, how you would like things done.
Danielle: 53:47
There were times when I could have said something. I could have asked a nurse to hold my phone for me. I did not. It's so hard because some of the things that happened to me wouldn't happen to other people, hopefully, because I mean we were in a pandemic. It's unique in that way. So my universal advice would be trust your body, stop worrying and enjoy the moment. Enjoy the moment because the moments are fleeting and I'm thankful for that moment when I felt my son just a little bit more before he left, because that was the moment Looking in his eyes, that was a a moment. And to focus on those moments. Focus on those moments that bring true joy and don't focus so much on the, the negative, because the negative can really bring you down. Focus on those beautiful moments, because there are so many in every story. There really are. Find those moments and cling to them. That would be my advice.
Angela: 54:38
I love all of that and I've really enjoyed hearing your story today, and I'm sure a lot of my other listeners will also. It's an incredible story of strength and courage and I really thank you for sharing it and joining me on the podcast today.
Danielle: 54:52
Thank you so much, Angela. I really appreciate this opportunity.
Angela: 54:56
And that's the end of another episode of the my Main Birth podcast. Thank you for joining me and listening. I hope that the stories shared here have been inspiring and informative to all of my listeners. If you're looking to capture your own birth story, I highly recommend considering my birth photography services. I'm a professional photographer and I'm very passionate about capturing the raw and emotional moments of the birthing process, and I design a personalized and intimate photo album, creating a beautiful and lasting memory of one of the most special moments of your life. For more information, head over to mymainphotocom and schedule a call with me. Thanks again for tuning in and I look forward to bringing you more amazing birth stories. Don't forget to subscribe and leave me a review, and I'll see you back here again next week.