Welcome to MyMaine Birth, a space where we share the real life stories of families and their unique birth experiences in the beautiful state of Maine. From our state’s biggest hospitals to birth center births, and home births, every birth story deserves to be heard and celebrated. From the first feelings of pregnancy to the first cry of your newborn, we explore the journey of childbirth in all of its beauty, intensity, and emotion. Whether you are a soon to be mom, a seasoned mother, or simply interested in the world of birth, these episodes are for you!

Hayley is here today to share her Maine birth experience with her oldest daughter Fiona. She gave birth to her at the Maine Coast Memorial Hospital in Ellsworth, Maine with the care of the midwife team there. Her good friend Leia was her birth partner, and since it was Hayley’s first pregnancy, it was an educational experience for both of them!

Join me as they recall the experience.

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I provide all families with a treasured keepsake to cherish for years to come. I create a personalized and intimate photo album with every birth photography session! For all of the information head over to https://www.mymainephoto.com/birthphotography And schedule a complimentary zoom consultation with me.

Join me and listen here to hear my conversation with Hayley and Leia. Scroll down for the full transcript.

Angela: Hi Hayley, welcome to MyMaine Birth

Hayley: Hi, this is Angela - remember when she did our pictures on the beach when we looked at the starfish? (talking to her 4 year old daughter Leia)

Angela: Hi Leia! (to Hayley’s daughter). We are also going to be chatting with your good friend Leia who was actually your birth partner during your birth with Fiona.

Hayley: Yeah, she was my birth partner - it was kind of fun, and honestly I don’t know if we remember things exactly the same way. She doesn’t have any kids and it was my first kid - so it was very educational for both of us.

Angela: Oh my gosh, so we are going to be hearing Fiona’s birth story today.

Hayley: Fiona was the big dramatic one, but then Leia went a lot smoother and I knew what to expect and everything - but then I hemorrhaged at the end with her and I’m lying there - they’re like pounding my uterus - they’re jabbing me with Pitocin, everything got real serious - and I distinctly remember thinking holy crap this is crazy and this is happening. So that was the only drama there. And then with my son, they wouldn’t give me an epidural, I was begging for an epidural. And they were like - well, we can just wait a few. And I was like - no, no more waiting. Then they were like well you have to use the bathroom before you can get an epidural. Like you have to get up and go over there and use the toilet before they will give you the epidural - I mean, that wasn’t true - but I was too pain addled to argue with them. So I squat down over the toilet and his head basically falls out - and then they have their head under me and I’m like waddling back over - and he was born like 5 minutes later and the anesthesiologist walked in right after that. Each one had its moments but Fiona was just crazy from beginning to end so I figured I would just go with her.

Angela: Where did you decide to birth at?

Hayley: In Ellsworth, I went through the midwife practice there each time - but it was a very different experience with them each time. I really liked them, my worst experience with them was my first experience - I literally had PTSD from it, and when I got pregnant again - I didn’t want to go there. I tried to go to Blue Hill but it was just too hard with all the driving . So then I finally after my first trimester went to them and kind of told them what happened and why I hadn’t wanted to come back and then - it was like through that whole process that the PTSD ended up healing and resolving from my first pregnancy. So I’m really glad it worked out that way, and they were very very conscious of the things that had gone wrong with Fiona. So overall, it was good - but if I was just left with what had happened with Fiona - I would have been - not good. Because its crazy - childbirth is nuts. And I love this idea for a podcast because when I was a first time mom I just wanted to hear every single birth story that I could. I was just so obsessed with finding out what had happened to everybody - so it’s super cool. It’s wild, it’s just a wild thing like thats how human beings enter the world.

Angela: Alright, it looks like your friend Leia is joining us now.

Hayley: Oh there she is - yay!

Leia: Hello I’m Leia

Hayley: It’s been awhile since I told this story - at first I told it all the time just trying to understand it, and now it’s been so long. So it will be kind of fun to dredge up the memories.

Angela: So can you tell me about when you found out you were pregnant and a little bit about how your pregnancy went?

Hayley: Yeah, so I got married on July 11, 2015. We decided we wanted to have a baby - so I took out my IUD and the next cycle, I found out I was pregnant. And I remember taking the test and the line was really faint. I was counting days so I knew the earliest I could take one - and it was really, really faint and I showed my husband at the time and he was like - no I don’t think thats a line. So I was expecting this like whoo hoo oh my gosh, and he was just like looking at it - and I’m looking at it - and he’s like, no I don’t think so. So then the next day I took it again, and I was like I still see it, and he was like - maybe. And the next day took it again - so it was this kind of ramp up to - ok yes, this is definitely a positive. So I was super excited but also like whoa - because when you take your IUD out they were like - oh it cold be 6 months or a year, basically like, just don’t come back right away if you don’t get pregnant. So I was kind of thinking that I would have some time, and then I was like - ok well nows the time.

So I went to see the midwives in Ellsworth, and its kind of cool because they are a midwife practice - so there are 4 midwives and you see a different one each visit because you don’t know which one will be on call when the time comes. Yeah, so it was kind of cool - during the first appointment they do the whole anatomy and you see what happens that whole first trimester. They were like - this is why you're so tired - because it goes from a few cells to what resembles all the parts of a human in those weeks. So that was pretty cool. I just remember right before I got my pregnancy test - I didn’t know it at the time - but I remember coming home and being like, my first graders have BO, they are so stinky, its so gross - can first graders even have BO, this is so weird - then I later found out I was pregnant. Then I was like - ohhhh, because I had been teaching for years - and they never smelled. And my two pregnancy years later that was my first sign - both times, was the serious sense of smell. I just remembered like - ugh these first graders stink - I mean it’s a middle school classroom - but geez! And then my cravings were for cinnamon and peaches and gas station pizza - and that was the only foods that didn’t make me feel like throwing up the first many months. And yeah, and everything was just kind of standard procedure through the pregnancy.

Angela: Did you do any other tests throughout your pregnancy?

Hayley: Yeah, I did the panorama test right off the bat which does all the chromosomal disorders and everything - so that was kind of terrifying - but that came back within expected ranges. We didn’t find out the gender for her. Then we had the ultrasound at 20 weeks and then didn’t have another ultrasound until she was overdue, and they started checking like the fluid levels. I think everything had been normal so I opted out of any additional checks at the end.

Angela: So how did you labor and birth unfold? And Leia feel free to chime in if you would like to add anything!

Hayley: Yeah, and I don’t even remember when I asked Leia to come with me - I remember contemplating it and being like - my husband at the time is funny, and might be nice to be a distraction or whatever. But I knew I needed female energy and another woman in there with me - but I was like this seems like a lot to ask for a friend because I was like ugh, none of us are going to be able to un-see this, But…. Yeah, I remember asking her and she was like yeah - and I was like really?

Leia: Yeah, it was months ahead of time. I think you knew pretty early on, that you wanted somebody there. I was like of course, when a friend asks for a favor - you say yes if you can

Hayley: It’s a pretty big favor! I remember you said you were watching Call the Midwife for training.

Leia: Then I immediately had to stop watching Call the Midwife - because it was not helping!

Angela: Leia, was this the only birth you attended?

Leia: Yeah, it was the only one. I actually had hoped that I could attend the second one as well, but it happened when I was out of the state. Yeah, I never thought that would be something I would do, but I’m really glad that I did. I really thought that she needed my help. I thought that she needed me, specifically, and this was just a good friend of mine that needed me. And I was like sure, I’ll give it a shot.

Hayley: Yeah, its’ a pretty intense ask, but

Angela: Well it makes sense really to want to have someone there just for you because you’re in this altered state of mind, this labor land - going through it and your not in your normal rational, thinking brain.

Hayley: Yeah, thats so true! And I had thought about getting a Doula, but I wasn’t sure - and now I can definitely see, based on everything that happened. You're so at the mercy of everything going on around you. I was so delirious with the pain and the confusion - and it was like, if any really serious decisions had to be made - I would really be hoping that the people around me would know how to make them. Because I couldn’t have - there would have been no way. So that was crazy. And also, you are more heightened emotionally, and you go into like your world being super big, to only that moment. So if anyone in the room needs to be managed - including said husband, you sometimes need a buffer. And I remember an Ellsworth Maine Doula saying that to me, when I had to talked to one about it. She was like - you know, sometimes I can be like - hey, husband or mom or whoever - its time for you to go get a sandwich. And I laughed at the time, but now going through it three times - I’m like, yeah I can see how that is really valuable to have that person who is in their right mind, navigating all of the people, all of the questions - coming in and out. And even when the Maine midwives had all different personalities, and the midwife I ended up with was not my total favorite one - I mean we kind of resolved that afterwards - but her bedside manner was a little rough, so having someone to help mitigate that and to process those conversations after - and there’s just like SO much going on. Your just in this - I don’t know, I guess its like the reverse of an out of body experience, your so in your body that you have such little bandwidth to understand things. I mean at least thats how it was with me. So having a birth partner is huge, and luckily out of my three births, that was the one that I really needed someone at. So it did work out, that was the one she was able to be at, and especially being my first. And we didn’t know, obviously, when it was going to be. Leia was in Portland, Maine and I was in Ellsworth, Maine. So we knew that maybe she wouldn’t be there - she was also on call for my second birth - who I named my daughter Leia, after her - but she was in a Library conference in Cleveland or something so .

But yeah, so I went on maternity leave early at like 36 weeks, because she was really, really low. I was having really bad pelvic pain, and I was starting to dilate a little bit - I was efaced. And they were like - well if you can take the time you should. And I was like - ok sweet, because by 36 weeks you're pretty much over it. And then I went on maternity leave and had nothing to do for 6 weeks because she came two weeks late and then I was induced. And yeah, that was a funny lesson learned, because it was like - hurry up and wait. Yeah, so I just couldn’t believe she was late - because I was convinced that she was coming early so it was excruciating waiting. And I think when she was a week late - they did an ultrasound to check her fluid levels. Then it was like - every two days we started coming in to check. I think my due date was the 2nd and so July 11th - which was our one year anniversary, we went in for the appointment. And she was like - well you could wait - we are definitely inducing by the 14th - it was the 11th, so the longest you can wait is 3 days. But she was like - I have these other women who are already scheduled for them or she was expecting them to be scheduled or something like that - so she was like basically its going to be really busy towards the end of the week, so if you want to be induced now - lets just go ahead and do it now.

And they were like - we can induce you. So I was like, ok this is actually great, because I can let Leia know - she can get up here. And like this hospital bag that I had packed for weeks - I drove home to get it. I packed up the car. We got a sandwich on our way back to the hospital. It was just super exciting - and it felt like, that montage before things all go to shit - and you're just like do dodo, and its all happy and sunny and then everything comes crashing down. And it was like that, I just didn’t even know it was coming yet . It just felt like - we’re going on vacation, like all this anticipation and excitement and all that. Before I knew what it would actually be like.

Leia: Do you remember what time? I remember I was at work, and then I think I just drove - its about 3 hours - and I think I got there on the 11th kind of late at night.

Hayley: Yeah, it was kind of late at night, because I know I had dinner first. And then I got there and I got settled, and they started the cervadil and I then I think later that night - I think we had the plan to all spend the night at the hospital.

Leia: Yeah I slept in the chair.

Hayley: Yeah, because we didn’t know how long it was going to take. So that felt good - I have this picture of me all hooked up to the probes, and I have my belly out - and I’m like two thumbs up, like here we go! I remember they wanted to give me morphine to also help it move along - but three days before a family friend had passed away from cancer and they had given him morphine at the end. The association was just too close for me - they explained how safe it was and everything - but I was just like nope, I can’t do morphine - I feel super weird about that. So they just did the Cervadil to start the dilation process.

So all night long, I was like - did I feel something? Did I feel something now? Did I feel something? Is something happening?

Leia: And the answer was no

Hayley: Yeah, and the answer was no. And they were like - ok, this is fine, this is normal - sometimes it takes awhile. And I was like - ohhhh. So that was my first taste of discouragement in the process. Because I was like - I didn’t really sleep, I’ve been here for more than 12 hours already - and I’m in the exact same place I was last night. But I had started cramping, and so I was like - my back hurt - I was uncomfortable, but nothing was showing up. So they were like, ok well we’re just going to give you another dose. So they gave me the next dose - and I want to say - I think Dan left for awhile, he was like you guys seem good.

Leia: He went to work.

Hayley: Yeah he was like, I’m going to go to work and try and get some things done - keep me posted. And they were like yeah - we don’t know how long this is going to be. So Leia and I were hanging out, and it was uncomfortable - I definitely felt like really bad period cramps, and like tightening. I was like feel this - do you feel this tightening? And they were like - no, thats not it. I’m like - but something is happening, because I am very uncomfortable. And they were like - yeah, no this is a long process. So we were just talking, hanging out - people were checking in, sending messages. I think they gave me one more dose, around lunch time - because still, nothing had happened. And thats when things started picking up - like I’m not feeling so happy and chipper anymore. We started doing laps around the maternity wing - just back and forth and talking and talking and just laps and laps. And that went on for awhile. And then, I kind of remember - I came back in - and I’m definitely not happy anymore. I was like this hurts, this doesn’t feel good. Thats when I remember I stopped checking my phone, I don’t think I sent another update after that point.

And oh, this is something I forgot to mention - I had this whole earth mother thing. I had a very detailed birth plan - about exactly how everything was going to go.. I was going to be in the tub and it was going to be like rose petals - and I was going to ommmmm and the baby was going to come out and I wasn’t going to need any meds and I was just going to harness Earth Mother energy - and just be amazing. Because it’s funny - because everyone was like, well you don’t know how it’s going to happen. But I felt like, all I took away from that was - you don’t know when its going to happen - I don’t think I really fully absorbed, you don’t know how its going to happen. I just thought like - well thats what going to happen I just don’t know when.

Leia: When the time comes we will move into the room with the tub, and yeah.

Hayley: Yeah, I just had this whole vision - I took an 8 week mindfulness course, I had done the silent day retreat - I had done my meditations with the baby, and the breathing and everything. I had read all the books. I was like, I am trained, prepared, whatever. I thought the strength of childbirth was like running a marathon, like if you are just mentally strong, you are going to get through it. And it was at this point - where things started being really uncomfortable, really being painful - I started getting more in my mind or whatever. Then I realized, this was going to happen to me. I wasn’t in charge of it. Like all the training, like it was happening and I was there - but it did not feel like I was in control of the process. So by the middle of it, it felt - not at all like a marathon, it felt like your on a plane with turbulence, and its nighttime and your scared shitless and your just like - I hope the pilot knows what he’s doing - because your just like - it was awful. So the strength came from tolerating the fear and the pain and it happening, and not like - you doing anything to get through it. So that was a huge realization and shift in my niecve coming into it. And the other thing that is ridiculous is I have the worst pain tolerance on the planet - like if I get a band aid - I let it dissolve in the shower over days, like I do not rip it off - because it hurts. So how I thought I was going to not have pain meds in child birth may have been very ridiculous. But I was convinced that I was not going to have pain meds.

So then we went back to the room - and we were in this like - waiting room. So there’s beds, and there’s a chair and all our stuff, and there’s a bathroom - but we’re not in a deliver room. So I had signed the release for the tub room and they were like - you know - when it’s time, when you are further along, we will move you over. So I think it’s like the afternoon now, and we have the exercise ball out and we were like doing some stuff - but I was really just kind of like - this really sucks. Like this really hurts, like a lot - I don’t like this. The excitement was gone - I was just like ugggghhh. And as we got closer to dinnertimeish like around 5pm. I don’t know it’s all kind of a blur. But there was this time period between 5-7pm when the midwife started coming in and checking. I had been at that point really serious, really not feeling good, really hurting, and I had been uncomfortable all day - I hadn’t slept the night before. And they were like - your only 2 cm. And I was like - whaaaaattt? And they kind of made me feel like I was over exaggerating - which, I have a low pain tolerance, so maybe other women wouldn’t have been as distraught about the situation as me. But I’m like - I’ve been in pain all day, I’m only 2 cm? And they were like - this is juuuuust the beginning. And I was really starting to freak out - like this is just the beginning? I have 12 more hours of this? I can’t handle 12 more hours of this! And then I just started feeling so crampy, and everything just started feeling so messed up. I remember going into the bathroom and the mucous plug came out, and all this junk came out - and it was just coming out of me. So it didn’t feel like peeing, it just felt like stuff was just dumping out of my body. So I started calling for the nurse and I just started sobbing and I was like - make this stop, I’m not ok, this feels disgusting, I don’t like this, I’m not ok. And she was like - you're fine, this is normal. And she was ok - but she wasn’t super warm and fuzzy - she was very much just like this is what happens. We’re going to move you in here, why don’t you lay down. I think she was showing Leia some things, they were pushing on my back, to maybe help. I think Dan was back at that point. I started just having to close my eyes, because I just couldn’t look at anybody. I remember Leia just rubbing my back - and I was just focusing on my back being rubbed for hours and hours.

Leia: Yeah and that went on for hours.

Hayley: Yeah, and I remember Dan was there and he was kind of joking and laughing or whatever. And I think Leia was managing him a little bit at that point, like trying to keep him a little low-key - because even the sound of peoples voices was making me want to throw up. And I was just like - stop talking, I can’t hear talking right now. And he was like - whaat? And then I think I just started vomiting. I was so sick. And they were like - ok let’s check you again - sometimes you vomit in transition. And they checked me - and I was like 3-4cm. And I was like - what are you talking about? I am not ok, I’m not well, I’m vomiting, I’m hot I’ve been in pain - I’m like delirious. And they were like - yeaaahhhh . And thats when the midwife - she’s like Hayley - Labor is this long, and she held her arms out pretty wide - and she’s like and you’ve done this much, and shrunk her hands down pretty small.

And I just thought, how could this be? I’m not going to get through this. This is crazy, how can this just be the start of it. Again, things are really hazy beyond this point. But I know it was 9pm the last time she checked me before Fiona ended up being born - because Dan kept saying - how long because I need to let my parents know because they are going to bring in my son. And they were like - well she’s 4cm and we could guess about 1cm an hour roughly so you could guess 6 more hours - which would have put us at 3am. And that memory stands out to me, because again - I was like 6 more hours, are you kidding me - this is nuts, this is bad.

And I don’t remember when it started but I was not like ommmmmm and meditating - I was like Fuuuckkk. I was like swearing, I was swearing, like help - I’m not ok. And they were just kind of like - you're fine, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. And so then I don’t know exactly when it happened - but it was sometimes maybe around an hour later - and we were still in this waiting room - because they were like, she hasn’t progressed. So we were just hanging out in this waiting room and I hadn’t moved in hours - I’m just laying on this bed, just wanting this to be over. And just so much pain, every contraction was just excruciating. And at that point was when I started to be like - help me, I’m not ok. And then all of a sudden I was like, I have to push. And so my water had never broken - but I was like - I have to push!

Leia: Yeah, I was there with you, I don’t know if it was your water breaking but something occurred and I looked at you and I ran out to the nurses station and was like - something is happening to her - we need help now. And they perked up and came back in - and then they checked you and they were like, it’s happening now.

Hayley: Yeah they were like, you're 10 cm. So I had gone from 4cm to 10cm in an hour and some change probably. Which kind of explains why it was so incredibly painful - like it was so fast. I think during that whole transition time - I was just screaming, swearing, moaning, just a disaster - just like ugghhh. I had kind of remembered from the mindful birthing class - they said the moaning or the intonations could help - so I kind of remember those vibrations semi - kind of feeling like it was absorbing a little bit of the edge. And then, at some point - I think, did I ask for meds? I feel like I did - and they were like - your birth plan doesn’t have meds on it. And I was like - fuck the birth plan - none of this is the plan.

Leia: None of this is the plan, you said

Hayley: Ohh, and that was the other thing - I had coached Dan. I had read a book - I think it was the hypnotherapy book, I forget which one it was called now - and it said when you get to transition, a lot of women start saying - I can’t do this. So I had practiced with Dan like 50 times - when I say I can’t do this, tell me - You’re almost there. Because thats what the book said. And we had practiced so many times, randomly, like in the car - I’d be like what are you going to say when I say I can’t do this? And he’d be like - You’re almost there. So I was like screaming - I can’t do this - and he was like - you're almost there!

Leia: He said it twice, and then he just gave up. You kept saying - you can’t do this. And we kept saying - you're doing it! You’re ok.

Hayley: And I think he was saying - Ride the wave, because in mindfulness class they say it’s intense and then it drops out so enjoy the wave - so he would say - enjoy the pause. But then boom - another contraction would start second after - and I’d be like no, not again - so my enjoy the pause, was like split seconds before it would start again. So yeah, I kind of have a few memories of his, like phrases that he interjected.

So they come in - and they’re like whoa, you’re 10cm. They were like we can’t move you, we don’t have time for that. This baby is coming right now. So they start paging the midwife - who is nowhere to be found anywhere. I hear them on the phone - so at this point my eyes are still closed - but I hear things happening around me. I hear them like - where is she, call her again. Then they came back in, and they were like - we’re going to have this baby right now. Don’t worry, the nurses are trained to do this - but we’re going to need your help. So Dan went out and started wheeling in stuff that they needed - he wheeled in the incubator and a few other things that they needed - and I think you were grabbing washcloths. We were like getting set up - there were no stirrups on the bed - so they put Leia on one side and a nurse on the other side and they were each pulling my legs back. I was flat on my back, which is a terrible way to birth a baby. Something was going on with the heart rate, and so they were having Dan hold on the oxygen mask. And I remember they kept calling the midwife, repeatedly - but she’s not coming, she’s not coming. I remember the nurse telling me to stop swearing because I was going to give the baby a potty mouth.

Leia: She was not our favorite nurse.

Hayley: We didn’t care for that nurse, but it was fine. But I can’t imagine if anyone was trying to have a peaceful water birth at that time - that there was any peace or relaxation in the entire maturity wing. So yeah, so I’m just so freaked out at this point. Just Leia is holding a leg, this nurse is holding a leg, Dan is holding the oxygen on - telling me to push. It wasn’t that long, so this is all before midnight - I think her official birth time ended up being like 10:50pm.

Leia: You were pushing and the midwife does arrive.

Hayley: She does arrive, she walks in.

Leia: She walks in - and she is very surprised by what she sees.

Hayley: She was like, ok I’m here - and then she’s like - stop pushing. And I’m like - whaaatt? She’s like, you’re going to feel a contraction, do not push - I have to unwrap the cord from your baby’s neck. And I’m just like, this is just getting worse and worse and worse and worse, and I’m just like I can not understand any of this. I can not even understand any of this. So I’m like not pushing, she’s doing something, there’s the most excruciating pain ever - and then she’s like - ok go. And she was born. And they just handed me this riving, slippery, warm, creature - and I was just like - what’s happening, what’s happening. And they were like, Hayley, you just had a baby, you're holding your baby, its done - the baby is out. And because we didn’t know the gender, I thought they were going to say like - it’s a girl - so I’m just holding this baby and Dan and I were like - what is it? And they were like, check and see for yourself. And I was just so out of it by this point - I was like, whaat? And we were looking down, and she still had the umbilical cord attached - and Dan was like - its a boy! I was like, leave it to a man to think that giant umbilical cord, was his son. And the nurses were like, check again! And so we spread the legs and saw, ohh, it’s a girl. And Leia said later that she knew when they had wheeled stuff in - because they had pink blankets.

Leia: Yeah they had pink blankets and all kinds of pink things, and yeah - it was apparent to me at that time.

Hayley: Yeah, so I guess it said on the chart that she was a girl, so they had prepped all of the pink stuff. But of course, I didn’t know, my eyes weren’t even open. So yeah, then she was out and I was so confused and delirious or whatever. But I do remember that all the pain stopped, like that second. And I was just like, wow, she’s here. And I remember they delivered the placenta which freaked me out, and then I had to get stitches. And then we were just trying to get parents and in-laws in and figuring it all out - and they did all the things they do with her and she was fine, and everything was fine. And it was just like, now it’s over. And it was just so weird to go from so much intensity to just then be like, thats it we’re done, we’re good. And it was crazy, but I had some pretty serious, serious pelvic floor problems after that, just horrible pelvic floor problems. She had bent my tailbone, and because I didn’t know it was normal or not it took me over a year to get to the right physical therapist to get everything addressed. I just thought, this is what it’s like, it just destroys your body. And the other thing that was really weird, was I also learned this later - but I read the book the body keeps the score - and it’s about PTSD. And I’m probably not paraphrasing this properly, but it said something like - when a trauma isn’t integrated healthily or whatever, your body goes back to the actual experience or the actual sensations. And so, I had always heard, oh you don’t remember the pain of childbirth after it’s over - it fades away or whatever. But for me it didn’t, and for months and months I would have dreams of the exact intensity of the pain. I remembered every detail for so long, just excruciating pain, it would make me sweat thinking about it. It was awful and it felt like it was never going to go away.

But then later, when I had gotten pregnant with my second daughter, my first emotion was terror - about having to go through this again. I didn’t want to go back to the same practice because I thought the same thing was going to happen, so I tried to go to a different practice. But I ended up going to the same practice again, and I’m not one to really advocate for myself - but I met with my favorite midwife and I told her what had happened, and like how I had felt about the fact that - oh, I didn’t say this part - So my midwife was with her grown son in the ER, he had like a tick bite, so she was with him. And he’s like a pretty well known person in the area, like he's a singer and we all know him and listen to his music - so my midwife is over with him, while I’m having like, the worst experience of my life. So I had a lot of fear around the person not being there who was supposed to be there, around the whole loss of control, around this excruciating pain that I was not prepared for. I just shared all that, and of course, a little bit about the bedside manner and not really feeling like, really respected. Because I feel like looking back, if they had paid attention to my distress, they might have known that it was progressing faster, even though the exact measurement wasn’t there, my body was progressing, just a little bit out of order or something. Which is why it all exploded at once. So I felt not really heard, or not listened to - kind of talked down to - when they were like, you have so much more. They said you're too upset for this stage of the game. And so I shared that with her and she said - you’ve got to talk to her, you’ve got to talk to her. And I was like, no it’s fine, its over - it was two or three years ago. And she was like, nope, you’ve got to talk to her. And then I did, and she apologized, and she was in the rotation again for my next birth . But it wasn’t until then, that it all faded. And now I can’t remember it anymore, like I know it was excruciating, and I know I was upset - but I can’t feel those sensations anymore. But until I fully processed that and came full circle, back to the midwife and had those conversations - it was like my body was trapped there in some weird way. So that was really interesting because I had never really experienced something like that - that you read about - like textbook. I was like oh, thats what that was, thats why that happened that way.

So it was definitely an intense experience, and definitely very shocking that like this is how humans come into the world.

Leia: I remember thats what we kept saying afterward - we kept saying - is this how all babies are born? How are there so many people if this is what it takes?

Hayley: Yeah, and like I was saying when I first started, when this was unknown - I wanted to hear as many stories as I possibly could and was always like - how did you know, and how long did it take and this and that. And now, when people ask me, what happened to you? I’m always like, I can tell you - but you’re going to know zero percent about what’s going to happen once it starts. Because it’s really amazing and mysterious in that way and I think it’s so tied to the person that is born. I think that birth story, how they come into the world, has a lot to do then with who they are and I think its all somehow connected.

Angela: Aww, well thank you so much Hayley for sharing your birth story today, and thank you Leia for joining us!

Hayley: Yeah, thanks for having me

Leia: Bye!

And thats the end of another MyMaine Birth Podcast! Thank you for joining me. I hope the stories shared here have been inspiring and informative to all of my listeners.

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