63. My Maine Birth: Valerie’s Two C-Section Birth Stories
Valerie: 0:00
Yeah, I mentioned building your village. It sounds like cliche and all, but I think we neglect that and we're like oh no, I can do it alone. Yes, you can, absolutely, we all can do it alone. But do you have to? That's the real question, and how easier it will get. I have a colleague that is a friend now. So just dropping a meal by my door one day and that was so much appreciated and I was like you don't necessarily need to know each other that much to just go drop a meal to a new mother or something and just say, hey, take care of yourself tonight, you don't have to cook, there's a meal for you, a good home cooked meal. Or I have a friend that sent us a gift card with Doldash like order something you know that you would like to have or something you know. So I think, building that village where you can have those resources around.
Angela: 0:50
I'm Angela and you're listening to my Maine Birth, a space where we share the real life stories of families and their unique birth experiences in the beautiful state of Maine. From our state's biggest hospitals to birth center births and home births, every birth story deserves to be heard and celebrated. Whether you're a soon-to-be mom, a seasoned mother or simply interested in the world of birth, these episodes are for you. Welcome to episode 63 of the my Main Birth podcast. Today's birth story guest is Valerie, and she shares all about her two birth stories. The first was in another state before she moved here, and the second was at Northern Lights Eastern Maine Medical Center in Bangor. Was at Northern Lights Eastern Maine Medical Center in Bangor. Hi, valerie, welcome to my Maine Birth.
Valerie: 1:53
Hi so to get right into it, then will you start by sharing a little bit about you and your family. Yes, we are a family of four, so we have two boys. One is two years old and four months now and his little brother is going to be three months and two weeks. So a young baby and a really active toddler. And my husband is American, he's from Maryland and I am Canadian, so the accent French Canadian. And now we live in Maine, yeah, awesome.
Valerie: 2:37
So will you share about when you found out you were pregnant for the first time and sort of your thoughts in choosing your care? Yeah, so for us that was really stressful and happy because we were. I was told I would never have baby, so like, and then, suddenly, getting in my forties, I got pregnant, lost two babies and then that was the third time. So we're like carefully optimistic. And then so we were like starting to look into the care, but we were not. It's hard to explain, we're not fully involved with it, just because of the fear a little bit that that would be the same scenario.
Valerie: 3:11
And um, and there was that um group down there and they're aware that basically have a baby friendly, like lab hospital, and I was, okay, that sounds like if I was to give birth in a hospital, because I cannot, because of medical complication, I cannot give birth in a birth house or something that I need to go to the hospital.
Valerie: 3:33
So I was like, sounds like I'm going to start with them and see how that goes. So that's what we did and so found out where I was pregnant and then the first time I saw the midwife, I started having some bleeding and I was like, okay, this is. You know that's going to be a loss again. And they sent me for the ultrasound and they were like, no, your baby is fine, he's actually really guilty and it's something else going on. So I was like, okay, so I'm really going to have a baby. And they were like, well, you know it's still early, but yeah it's. And then that changed completely how we approach the pregnancy after that and we allow ourselves to be happy and yeah, he's two years, two over two years old now.
Angela: 4:13
So that was a happy, happy story at the end. Wow, that's incredible. So tell me a little bit more um, what was the complication that you um mentioned, if you don't mind sharing, and maybe just a little bit more about, like, how was the rest of that pregnancy? And like, did you need testing or?
Valerie: 4:31
Yeah, so I have a genetic factor that make my blood be a little bit funny, so I'm on blood thinner because of that. So you know, being pregnant and the? The doctor always concerned when you have a woman that is on blood thinner because you need to increase a little. And the? Um the doctor always concerned when you have a woman that is on blood thinner, cause you need to increase a little bit, the the the blood thinner during the pregnancy because pregnancy makes you more at risk of blood clot. So, naturally, and I'm already at high risk so, um, because of my, my genetic factor. So then, um, they prefer, you know, I'm sure I could have find a way maybe to work things out differently, but I'm also I'm a scientist, so I'm also, I guess, a little bit more pragmatic about thing and say I'm going to do what I, what I have to do, to get that care done and make sure, like my baby's healthy, um, I have less, I guess, not a romantic view of pregnancy and but I think that the data for me speak before everything else and then the emotion come in and it's motherhood is a really an emotional journey. So I think that helped me a little bit make those decisions. But so, yeah, so the concern about the bleeding and they want to be a little bit more in control of the pregnancy and the well, not the pregnancy, the birth really to make sure I receive the proper care and we can either stop the blood dinner before the birth or have a blood dinner that can be controlled, because not all of them can be controlled.
Valerie: 6:00
Some of them there's no medicine to counter them and B control Some of them there's no medicine to counter them. If you're on blood thinner, let's say, I would have take my doses in the morning and go in labor then if I wanted epidural. That's not an option. So there's all those. There's other, you know, interaction with other medicine and all that stuff. So that's why they like to, if you're on board with that, obviously to be a little bit more in control and I, if you're on board with that, obviously to to be a little bit more in control. And I feel I feel okay with that. I know, you know we all different, we make different decisions for what's right for ourselves. But for me, when I was looking at the, yeah, the science, brain takeover, and I was like, yeah, let's just do it that way.
Angela: 6:43
So how were you feeling in that?
Valerie: 6:44
pregnancy for both of them. Uh, the first trimester I'm miserable because I'm really really sick. I love being pregnant and like we decided no more baby because I'm I'm old enough that you know like, okay, let's put a, let's put a, we, we, we have two miracle little boys, so we happy. And so I was really sad that that was my last pregnancy. I really love, beside the first trimester, once that's done, when the placenta take over on the hormones and all that stuff, then things shift and I'm one of those women that really enjoy the pregnancy and really enjoy feeling the baby inside and kind of have my little bubble of you know.
Valerie: 7:26
Sometime my husband was like I feel like you're alone in your little world and I was, yeah, well it's, I don't know, it's just like I feel, I feel great, I like it and I just I don't know that. And again, I think there's part of me like that. There's the science, like looking at how the baby's growing and now my body's changing. I find it quite fascinating, like the transformation that a woman go through to actually be able to make space for the baby and and how your body is going to transform to give birth. I find it totally, although I know it, I'm a biologist and it's stuff, but I'm still completely amazed by it and leaving it myself. It's different than looking at it in a textbook by it and leaving it myself. It's.
Angela: 8:05
it's different than looking at it in a textbook, right? So yeah, yeah, you're totally right. It is it wild what happens.
Valerie: 8:10
You know, like all of our organs completely shift and make room and just it's amazing, make you a little bit uncomfortable too, but you know like I'm still yeah, I still enjoy all that part of these days, of course, that you're like, okay, can this be over? Like I'm ready yeah, I still enjoy all that part. There's days, of course, that you're like, okay, can this be over? Like I'm ready to give birth now.
Angela: 8:31
Yeah, we all go through that, definitely at the end, especially yes, wow, that's amazing. So now share with me kind of like the final days of your first pregnancy, like leading up to when your labor started, and about your birth.
Valerie: 8:48
Well, the first baby he never turned. So the plan was we had to make the decision to, since he was not turning and I was getting close to my due date and they wanted to again to have the control on the blood thinner. That was either induce me or have a C-section a week before my due date. And they wanted to again to have the control on the blood thinner. That was either induce me or have a c-section a week before my due date. So the plan was okay, you're gonna go to the hospital, we're gonna do a last ultrasound and if baby turn, we induce you. Baby didn't turn, then it's a c-section. So that was kind of a you know.
Valerie: 9:19
A lot of people were asking you how do you indulge that stress of not knowing? And and I was like I mean, I was like I think one thing I learned through the pregnancy and I'm a is to you don't have control over everything. And I'm a. I'm a person that likes to have control and stuff and as I need to let go, cause otherwise all this journey is going to drive me crazy, so I find ways to cope with letting go and being in that little bubble I mentioned really helped me. So the last few days I was just really excited. I'm going to meet my baby one way or another. This is just a way to give birth. I'm going to meet him, just want him to be healthy and hold him in my. You know, I was.
Valerie: 9:59
I always have that mixed feeling at the end where I'm sad that he's going to come out for everybody, and then it's not just me and the baby anymore. You know, it's not just that little connection, secret connection type of thing that you have with your baby, and but it'd be excited to see him, him being able to kiss him and hold him. And I was just like, so that's those mixed feeling. But I was really at peace with, yeah, um, seeing, um, seeing, okay, it's just one way or the other. So, um, and the excitement of a little bit and preparing for both ways and being okay, like what's gonna happen.
Valerie: 10:36
That morning was, you know? So, yes, the morning of it, I was a little bit more nervous because I was like, okay, that's that's now like it's decision making now. So. But the day before I was quite little bit more nervous because I was like, okay, that's, that's now like it's decision-making now. So, but the day before I was quite, yeah, relaxed and just like really trying to enjoy, even if toward the end of the pregnancy it's harder, right, but really trying to enjoy those last few days and and enjoying like feeling him in my belly and kind of focus on that, like taking time to just sit and you know feeling and keep those feelings, those, you know leaving those moments and living in the present moment and also being in that. You know, tomorrow is another day.
Angela: 11:17
Yeah, that's a really great point that you just made about just the importance of letting go when there's like all of these things going on and just connecting with your baby, you know, and taking that time to to be quiet and just like center yourself before you know at all it's easier said than done, but it's, I feel like you have like, in a way, you have nine months to prepare yourself to just find a recipe that worked for you to you know for me that that's the way I worked getting there.
Valerie: 11:46
It's like I didn't wait until the end and I prepare myself to the whole pregnancy and saying, okay, you need to let go, find mechanism for you to be able to get there and and to do that, because it's different moment during the pregnancy or so that you need to let go. So there's always, you know, motherhood is you gain a lot, lose a lot, so you need to balance that somehow yeah, so now, how did your labor start?
Valerie: 12:11
I. We ended up. He still. He was really stubborn so I guess it didn't turn at all. So we were going for.
Valerie: 12:19
So they say, okay, it's a c-section. And then I was there like waiting for the c-section to happen. We're're in the hospital for a few hours and then I feel a little bit kind of stupid Cause. Then I told the nurse at some point. I was like it's feeling really weird, I don't know what baby's doing, like I feel like you know, like things are getting really tight or I don't know what's going on.
Valerie: 12:37
And they put the, the contraction monitor on me and she's like, well, you're actually having contraction right now. So it's almost like my body knew that that was happening that day. So I kind of started. So they were like OK, we're getting you in surgery right now. We're going to bump a little bit the surgery. Because not only was not turned, but he was also in a weird position, like you know, like they need to have like the best in a certain way. So we couldn't even try a version or anything. So they were like, okay, we, we don't want things to get too far ahead. So so I had that. I, with the first I had the, I was able to experience a little bit more, a little bit the beginning of the contraction, but yeah, that ended up being a c-section, so that's okay, that was. You know that.
Angela: 13:21
It is what it is oh yeah, so tell me about how that was. How was it? How was your experience with that?
Valerie: 13:29
I was a lot of friend have warned me about, like you know, take it easy and and. But I don't think you can fully prepare yourself. And I'm not trying to scare. I'm sure, like natural, like vaginal birth, you know, comes with their own pain and stuff. So I think we can't really prepare each other. It's it's great that we share those story between women and say, hey, that's going to be a little bit painful the day after, right so, but I don't think you can fully prepare yourself.
Valerie: 13:56
For you know, when the nurse say, okay, you need to get up, I was like, oh, my god, how do you do that, you know. But then once I was up and get a shower and move a little bit around, I was like, okay, I can, I can do this. I think we all find resources in ourselves that we don't even think we have, and you know. And so I think the shower helped just getting into, you know, like getting into that, you feel better about yourself, you clean, and then you're like, okay, I can do this, you know. So and I think also I was just so happy I'm sure like every mother is super happy to me the baby, but after being told I would never have a baby on my own.
Valerie: 14:35
I was just in that big happiness bubble where I was like, whatever, you know, I just have my baby. I'm so happy. So it was. It was, yeah, that helped me a lot going through the to the, the pain and managing the pain and kind of relaxing and instead of fighting the pain, just kind of getting flowing with it in a way I don't know if that makes sense kind of trying to, you know, and focusing on the positive side and forgetting that you know that big scars is there.
Angela: 15:06
So how was your postpartum time?
Valerie: 15:08
Yeah, I was with both baby. I've been lucky. They just they were just natural on the breast, which and everything my milk, both time the milk came up, everything just work well, you know, and which. I I feel really lucky because I know it's not the story of everybody and sometimes it's more struggle and and can be really stressful. So I didn't have to stress about making them, you know, feed. There was just okay positioning and more the technical thing that I had to focus. So that was really lucky with that. So that relieved a lot of the stress for me. For you know what was coming after the.
Valerie: 15:45
But I remember coming home and seeing they let us go home with the baby. Like, what are we? And I've been, you know, babysitting. I have a brother and a sister younger than me. I know babies, I know, but coming home with your own and it's a different game and I was like, are they crazy letting us leave with that little thing? What am I supposed to do now?
Valerie: 16:09
And you know, I think you prepare yourself but you also learn as you go and every baby is different. You need to learn how your works and I feel as soon as you get comfortable, things change. Yeah, so I think that make postpartum a little bit challenging, because you go through all those hormonal change and lack of sleep and then you're like, okay, I get this, I, I'm good now, and then baby's routine change or you start eating or you start this, and then you're like, yeah, what do I do now? You know it's like, so I feel like it's it's hard to keep the positive mental. You know space and and be, but I have, um, I'm lucky that I have an aunt that has been in Quebec accompanying a woman after their birth and kind of you know it's a, it's a community place that she was the director and kind of helping women go through that and families, and so she's been a great resource to tell me, okay, it's okay, breathe. You know today's a bad day, tomorrow's going to be a better day.
Valerie: 17:14
And you know managing the mom guilt when you think like you know you're trying to, you need to care for yourself, but you feel kind of guilty about it, which is weird because you know you need to do that too. You know so all those mixed feelings that you have to postpartum. So I think I here being in Maine, that's one thing. With the second birth that you know I had my. I still talk to my own, but I was thinking about how, like the community service that she put up there to help people, I was like I would. And in Delaware, too, I was like I would have liked to see that in the US. Like, I think like a lot of women would benefit from having that.
Valerie: 17:51
So, as much as I can, when I meet new mom and and or pregnant mother, I'm like you know, we all that it's you need to build your village. So if there's anything, reach out. Reach out to me. I know we barely know each other and maybe I come across weird, but you know like some some people are lucky to have family around, some people don't. So I'm like you know, if there's anything are lucky to have family around, some people don't.
Valerie: 18:12
So I'm like you know, if there's anything, or if it's just a call to rent because you had enough to date, that's fine too. You know we all have bad days and it's OK to have bad days. You're not a bad mom because you have bad days. So I learned that through her and I'm trying to pass that because I feel it's maybe something that's lacking, at least for both my birth I didn't have those resources and that I were neither in Maine as much. So I think you know that's something that would be nice to see a bit more of those community group coming out and support mother and yeah yeah, yeah, it's super important to have that support postpartum.
Valerie: 18:48
It's really just because you're so vulnerable and everything is changing and there's a lot going on, especially if you're at home, you know it's easy to feel isolated, especially when you're feeding at night and like kind of feel that you're alone in the world suddenly.
Angela: 19:04
You know so yeah, that feeling when you've like been up all night and then the sun comes up and it's like you know what, even like day is it? When do I like take a shower?
Valerie: 19:15
It's like when was my last shower.
Angela: 19:19
So when did you guys move to Maine then? Was it shortly after he was born?
Valerie: 19:23
Yeah, it was three months when we moved. So my husband drive with the cats and the furniture and all this stuff and I flew with with uh, our three months. We were like, ah, it's almost 11 hour drive. We're like, are we do? We want to do that with a newborn? It's like, do you feel flying with him? And I was like it's an hour, you know a little bit more.
Valerie: 19:45
With the time getting in the airport, I was like no, I can fly with him. And worst time getting in the airport I was like no, I can fly with him. And what's going to be one of those parents that everybody ate on the plane because my kid is screaming. But no, it went well, but yeah. So I was really excited to move to Maine because it's closer for me, for my family, so selfishly, you know, a little bit further from his family, but closer to mine, and we were in England before being in Delaware, so I have been away from my family for a long time. So you know it's a five-hour drive to my brother and sister, seven hour for my parents. So Maine, maine, really like I had that romantic view of it that I was like, oh, it's gonna feel like home. It does feel like home, so I'm super happy we moved here that's amazing.
Angela: 20:28
So are you over, like in western Maine? Then? Are you like up in the northern part of the state or we are just close to Bangor, just outside Bangor. Nice yes, it's a good like central location. You can kind of get around without it being.
Valerie: 20:43
It's easy to get around everywhere and so we like it. It's yeah, I feel like also like people like it. It's yeah, I feel like also like people. It's close to a little bit of Quebec, like vibe, like the way like laid back and you know dozy type of thing where I'm from, in Quebec at least. So I'm like, yeah, that really feels like home. So I'm glad we make that move and came to me yeah, I love it.
Angela: 21:05
So now tell me about when you found out you were pregnant for the second time and your thoughts in choosing your care being somewhere new.
Valerie: 21:14
Yeah, so each time there was, you know like I'm comfortable in English, but you know, my first language is French. So each time it's also like that challenge, choosing the care, like who's going to be able to, I feel sometimes because I'm not able to express the little thing you know, it's like not that people treat me like an idiot, but it's hard to explain. There's a disconnect. You're like, no, it's not quite what I'm saying it can get. So this time I was like I want to be more careful to get someone that you know like I feel more listening to and a little bit more you know, like that that person work. Not that they didn't work with me like great in Delaware, but I wanted a more positive experience overall. So we found out I was pregnant, uh, in January 2023. Uh, so, yeah, this year, it feels sometime that years get like all. Uh, I feel sometimes the years get like all into each other.
Valerie: 22:11
I was still breastfeeding my first and I started having breastfeeding aversion. I was what's going on, why you know why suddenly breastfeeding doesn't feel great and stuff, and I was not late at that point. But then I started having a little bit of. I was like, oh, I'm starting to feel nauseous and it's like am I pregnant? And then I, you know, waited and waited. And then I was like, oh, I'm starting to feel nauseous and it's like am I pregnant? And then I, you know, waited and waited and then I was like, yes, okay, it's working again, like it was kind of a second miracle. I was like I waited a little bit before telling my husband just because I was like, okay, I want to make sure you know this is really happening and stuff. And so we were beyond excited to think that our family was growing. So I started asking around using, like the mom of Bangor Facebook page and asking around about care and where are they provider, like what's the pros and cons of the people they're seeing and what they like. And then that's pretty much I call one place that I called they didn't want to't taking new patient. So then I was like, okay, there's also, it seems, there's a shortage of something going on, so it's like another challenge to you.
Valerie: 23:19
Uh, but I managed to get through um with someone that actually we had a good relationship and I felt that she was really listening to me and working with me. She even changed the because we since I'm I just turned 44. So they were also. They were like okay, you're older, so we don't want you to go. If the scenario is that you're going to go over your due date, we don't want to go too much over your due date. So it's not like a, you know your body is thinking, uh, it's harder. You, you need to also like be realistic about your age and medical factor and stuff.
Valerie: 23:52
But she, at some point I was like we had put the date for the C-section in case that was going to happen and I was like, can we give the baby a little bit more time? Can we change the date? She was like sure, we're going to move the date, that's fine, you know. So she really, she really tried to get me where I wanted to go as a second birth. He ended up being a C-section again, unfortunately, it's just the way it happened. He was not turning, he decided to turn, started having pre-labor, a lot of stuff was going on, but he was comfy there. So I stayed over time and I was OK, we need to put an evictioniction date then. So let's go for the c-section. But I I'm really um happy the provider I got that, you know, she was listening and really working with me and not. I felt also there was um, my first pregnancy.
Valerie: 24:46
A lot of time they were using the I know that's the term for older mother geriatric pregnancy which feels awful. I don't know if it's just me, but I'm like I'm not 70 years old trying to have a baby, you know, it's still just in my forties, please. So she never used that term with me. She never, you know, I'm sure, like technically that's what they have to use, but she never used it with me and we, we even joke about it and she was like no, I feel it's awful to call a mom like this, you know, and so really more positive experience of all the way, like she, you know, interacted with me and and talk about.
Valerie: 25:24
You know we talk about um, I'm older, I eat well, but I'm overweight and you know, like, so we discussed that and we and she was like as long as you're LT during the pregnancy and the baby's LT, you know, meanwhile, like the first, they were always bringing up you know you're overweight, it's it's, it's a factor. And I was like, yeah, I, I see myself every day, you don't need to. You know, it's like you're already gaining weight, I don't need to be. I don't know, it's like that, like I know there was about, but so yeah, the way they say it to you is sometimes not very sensitive.
Valerie: 26:04
Exactly Meanwhile we did talk about it because, yes, it is a risk factor and we had to discuss it, but then it was done, we didn't need it to bring it back. Every appointment and every and you know she was like your weight gain for the baby is good appointment and every and you know she was like your weight gain for the baby is good. So she's like I have no concern to bring, I have no reason to bring that every time and and just you know like I don't want you to get in a head space where you think you have to lose weight during the pregnancy, you know. So it's not what we're recommending to mother. So this, this is what we work with now and let's just move forward. So I really appreciated that attitude too of okay, this is, this is the thing we need to look at and things are going well. So no need to.
Valerie: 26:36
you know, tell me each time you're old and and yeah, right way to like put you in the right headspace for, like you know, oh so that was nice and and even before, like you know, like when I got to the hospital before the c-section, she, uh, she came and she said you know, I know you were hoping to do a vaginal birth and it's not your ideal scenario. So how can I make you more comfortable or I can do? You need, you know, like anything to help you get there? And I was no, I mean, you already work with me a lot, you try a lot. You know, like we did different stuff to try to get the baby to engage a little bit more and and the birth to start, and it just didn't work. So I was like at this point, I know you, you work with me to get me there, and it just didn't work. So now it's time for me to let go and and say again, like this is not the bird I wanted my dream, but this is a mean to meet my baby. So let's just go get him now. I'm ready, I want to meet him, you know. And so so, choosing back to your question. Sorry, I ranted a lot, but back to your question about choosing.
Valerie: 27:57
It was a bit of luck in a way. You know, I got the information. I called few place ask question. Um, I felt great when I called there, like just the way there was not even the doctor I talked to, that was just like the person at the reception, but they were super nice. I know there was kind of a positive attitude when I called and I went there and decided to just stay with them because, you know, I was ready to move to someone else if I didn't feel you know that connection and that positive environment. So I guess a bit of background work, but also a little bit of luck that they were taking new patients, because if they don't, there's nothing you can do right. So even if they're the best provider, if they don't take take new patient, you kind of have to move on to the next one. So yeah, again, a little bit of luck with that and I'm grateful for it yeah, do you care to share who you ended up going with, or?
Valerie: 28:44
yeah, I was with Dr Kaufman at Downeast, so and I I think there's also, like always, a thing of. One thing we need to remind ourselves is that there's also personality. That would never work together. I saw, like some, you know there was someone, that were like, oh, I didn't really liked her, that's fine. I mean, we all have personal. You know, we don't like everybody, so we can't expect everybody to like the same provider. And but for me that was a great, a great fit with her.
Valerie: 29:13
So and I, yeah, I really enjoy her, just her being a little bit laid back also about things, because in Delaware they were making me see, had a regular provider, and I was seeing a specialist for complicated pregnancy and the reason for that was the blood dinner, but also like my age. And when I asked her that, she was like do you want to see another specialist? Would you feel more safe? And I was like I don't feel unsafe, you know, I feel that I'm in good care. And she was like, if you feel you're in good care and we have no reason, you know we do your tests, we do your assessment you come and see me. Like you know we have all the appointments, and if there's no reason to think that there's a complication. Then I'm not going to put you through this, because that was a bit much.
Valerie: 30:02
Sometimes. I had two appointments in the same week and you know there was a lot to juggle and under-triathlon with the specialist and under-triathlon with the regular doctor and I was like seeing the bills. So it's not just, you know, it's like managing the, but there's also the reality that you need to. We had copay and stuff and I was like, cause I'm being Canadian, I'm like, okay, everything is go through my, you know I don't have to worry about that, but being in the US, hospital bills and stuff and so anyway, so yeah, she, her approach for me would just yeah, we just had a good relationship and respectful and understand understanding.
Angela: 30:48
So that worked well, Nice. Yeah, Just like to give you choices you know and to have someone that fully explains. To give you choices you know and to have someone that really explains it and consent you know.
Valerie: 30:54
that's so important exactly, and all the staff was really nice to you. They were just, you know, like I like that the nurse was sharing also, they also mom and sharing the experience. If I would go there, I did, I'm like, oh, I feel like I will this today, like I feel I just came like you know, like I feel the baby just like compress my organs and I just feel so big today and I'm like, oh yeah, I remember this with my third or whatever you know, like just giving. So that was awesome also to have like, since we don't have family here, I don't have friends, I didn't have friends yet and stuff. So to have other women sharing stories like this, that have other women sharing stories like this.
Angela: 31:34
That was awesome. So how was that pregnancy, would you?
Valerie: 31:35
do a lot of like testing or ultrasounds, yeah, normal appointment. Um, the only thing we did differently is we didn't do and I'm not, you know, I'm not, you see how you use that but I did. I'm not saying like don't use that test, but we didn't do the what's called the nip. So otherwise, everything was normal. We went directly for an amniocentesis, uh, with the baby, because one thing I found out with my first is that we did the test, uh, the non-invasive screening, and it came out. That was pretty stressful. It came out like you know, like okay, we're having a baby, that's true, it's happening now. And then the test came out with, uh, trisomy 13 and 18, which are deadly or, if the baby is born is not gonna, you know. And they were preparing us for premency termination because of you know, you have like the deadline to make a decision before you're too advanced and like, so if you want to get pre-termination, you need to, you know. So everything it's kind of cramped in the same few weeks, basically, and I was like oh, my God, this is.
Valerie: 32:35
And we did the test a second time and same result and I was like this is a joke, like seriously, like are we? And then we did the amniocentesis and the doctor was like there's nothing, baby seems perfect. There's, I don't see any genetic default, anything. So I went through the pregnancy and my son is perfect. I'm his mom, but no, he's definitely anti-imperfect on that. No genetic problem or anything.
Valerie: 33:01
So then I investigated a little bit more about those tests and sometime when you're older, overweight, the blood thinner will affect the result too. So I think there was just like false, you know really. So that was a nightmare to deal, emotionally to deal with, you know. So we did more, uh different probably than older parents would do, is that I ask her, I explain that to her and say I just want to go for the amniocentesis right away, I do want to do she's, you don't have to do testing.
Valerie: 33:28
I was like I kind of need to mentally to, you know, feel okay with make sure baby's okay. So she was like that's, that's perfect, it's what you need, you know the risk of, you know what it entails and all that stuff. And we just got it again and she's like if you you still want to go through with it, I'm going to make it happen. So otherwise everything was regular appointment and just normal ultrasound schedule and I told the end, like you know, weekly and all that stuff, and I just like every time I get during the pregnancy an opportunity to see the little wiggles inside and yeah, oh, wow, oh my gosh.
Angela: 34:07
that's really interesting that it happened to you twice and it was not like an issue, everything was totally fine.
Valerie: 34:14
Yeah, yeah. So the test was just like. It's almost like I was telling the doctor after I was like, you know, being a scientist, like if I was, if you read all the little character that say this can affect the test, this can affect the result, this can, it's almost like if we would do an experiment and tell my boss like, well, this is the result, but we can't really believe them because, you know, there's too many confounding factor. So I was like I feel they should be a little bit more. I don't know, I don't know really what's the solution, but I was like I feel they should be a little bit more careful when they offer those tests to say, well, you actually have a lot of confounding factors, you may come with funny results, so just be prepared for that.
Valerie: 34:53
Because when the doctor called, I was not prepared for funny results. You know, I was just expecting the sex would even not come on. As a result, they're like we can't even detect the sex. So you know like and I was like this is weird, but then, yeah, there's so many factors. So, reading about it more on the science side, I was like this is weird, but then, yeah, there's so many factors. So, reading about it more on the science side, I was like I would have probably not spent that money because they are so expensive, they're not totally covered by your insurance. I was like I would have not spent that money and go directly for the amnio or maybe not do the amnio, but at that point we needed the amnio. So for the second I was like, oh no, I need it now because I'm still have a little bit. I realized I was still having a little bit of trauma from that experience.
Angela: 35:37
Now, how is the rest of your pregnancy leading up to your birth?
Valerie: 35:41
Yeah, absolutely that was the end of this pregnancy. The second one was a bit more how can I say it was a bit more like a everyday, a surprise, because I had started pre-labor. So there was, there was time. I was like I think this is it, I think I think this is happening. They're getting a little bit stronger, they're getting a little bit closer. And then everything was tough and I was like okay, not today. So it's almost like there was like a you know, like I was okay today, not today.
Valerie: 36:10
It's like we were preparing every day and you know, like I was okay today, not today. It's like we were preparing every day. And you know, like I was going, I was still working. My husband was like are you really driving to work? Like are you you think it's a good idea? And I was like I mean, worst case, like I was like all the guy in my office, like they all that I'm sure they can take me to the hospital and wait for you to arrive. So I was like I don't feel I feel safe everywhere I go. So I was like you know, if I'm at work or working from home, and I was like you know, like I need that to kind of, because otherwise I would be, I was, I think I would start stressing about it because that was kind of that game every day, like starting to having, you know, like contraction, but not real.
Valerie: 36:52
And then you you're like, okay, the, but not real. And then you're like, okay, the doctor was just some people have pre-labor for a while before things happen. So she's like it's looking good. In a way it seems like you might actually go in labor before the C-section date, but it never happened. The baby was engaged but not enough to start the birth. And you know there's a part of me, of me that again I think I use a lot of my science brain to uh, to calm down the emotional part of me, because you know like it's hard to to rationalize. When the c-section date arrived, like the second, after we moved it a few times to twice actually, was the only reason that you guys set the c-section date just because of your age.
Angela: 37:32
Is that the only?
Valerie: 37:32
reason to not go over my due date too much. So at the end, like at the beginning, it was the first date, was just after my due date, and then was in the midweek, and then it was the week after and I was like, can you give me a week? I was like you know, wait, I'm having contraction. I kind of can we make something happen? And then she's like I'm not sure I can move it again, but I guess, um, he was born on September 11th. I guess not a lot of American one day baby born on September 11th. So when she called the surgery they were like we're fully open. So I was okay, let's move it to that, to that Monday. Then I don't.
Valerie: 38:08
I was like I don't, it's, I mean, you can dig in history for every day then find something awful. So I was like I was like I don't, it's, I mean you can dig in his story for every day and find something awful. So I was like I know, like it's more recent history and but I didn't. I was like I don't believe that's going to have an influence on his life, you know. So I don't care about if it's on September 11. So that just gives me more time to hopefully get. I was a bit sad, but I was like I feel like I just need two more days. And she was like no, we can't. You know we need to put that definitely. And she's like I know you're doing well, but she's like things can flip really fast and she's like right now you're doing well, the baby's doing well, so let's just, you know, get you guys together to get meet each other. And while everything is going and going well, now is now you're right um.
Angela: 38:56
Did she talk about what she was worried about might happen if?
Valerie: 39:00
just with, you know, the stress on the body being older and also, like you know, I was still taking my blood dinner, you know, and she was like, okay, now, with now, with with the date.
Valerie: 39:11
She's like I know you stopped yesterday, so she's like, and but yeah, she's more concerned about, you know, sometime older mother like pregnancy goes well and then suddenly, like pressure goes up and the body just can't take it, not can't take it anymore, but it's almost like, feel like this, it's like the buddy one. So she was a bit concerned about that. She was like I don't like and I think there's also, like every provider have their tolerance to it. So some provider, but I was already a week over my due date, so I feel it's not that bad. Like you know, like I know that some people don't even want women to, even even without complication or age, don't even want women to go over the due date, which most, if you look at the stat, like most baby are born after that 40 week, which you know it's also the way we calculate it. Is it really over the due date? But anyway, that's another, that's another.
Angela: 40:01
Take right, it is yeah. So I mean, at least that was good, that you at least were like give me a few more days and you like pushed it back as much as you could. That's yeah.
Valerie: 40:10
Yeah, each, and you like pushed it back as much as you could. That's yeah. Yeah, each time she was like you're gonna wear me like we were having appointment because we tried to induce the birth without the medicine. Because I was not you know, there's also decision on my part because I was okay, I don't want to take that medicine, I want to try more natural way and use the birth.
Valerie: 40:25
So the last weekend half we met not every two days but almost like where we're like just trying membrane, swipe and different things and I was trying positioning and a bunch of stuff. You're just like every every um tale that you hear about how to give birth yeah. I was like, come on, come on, let's do this let's do this.
Valerie: 40:47
I really wanted to have the experience of a vaginal birth, but that's okay and so we're meeting often and we were. She was laughing Like when she saw my face, like that morning that asked for pushing the date a second time and she, before I even asked, she's like I see your face, I know you're going to ask me to change it again, but you know. So we're kind of having that relationship where she knew me quite good to be able to tell by where we're coming from and yeah, so that was, that was good.
Angela: 41:15
Yeah, yeah, you start to see them a lot more towards the end of your pregnancy too. So it's like that last month or two you're, like you know, good buddies.
Valerie: 41:23
Yeah, yeah, you're getting, and then you know, yeah, your body's changing and you need to. You know you're like, okay, you're seeing a lot of, a lot of me, so there's a lot of yeah. I think that takes that changed the relationship that you have with your provider.
Angela: 41:39
Yeah, so now, how was your experience with the C-section?
Valerie: 41:44
That was honestly. That's when I hear a lot of moms saying you don't remember how much it hurts until you do it again, and I can say that in my case that was really, really true. Like I, you know, like I've said, when I get back in my room I was like, oh, this is not bad at all, like I remember I don't, oh, that's going well, but I forget that you get like a cocktail of medicine. And then when I woke up the day after, I was like, oh, okay, now I didn't remember that. Yeah, it is really painful.
Valerie: 42:17
But again, like getting up, I think, like I don't know, for me I know they say you need to get up and move, but for me it's really the way to help reduce the pain. At the end it's being able to get my body, you know, like within reason, but to move and kind of deal with the pain and getting into a place where I know it's getting better and not just. I'm not the type of person that will stay in bed and kind of complain and not saying that in a mean way. We all have a way to cope with things, but I need I'm a doer, I need to do things to feel better to feel better about myself to cope with the pain, to feel better, to feel better about myself to cope with the pain. So it's just like okay, like each step bring me closer to that goal of being able to do stuff and feeling better.
Valerie: 42:59
And so I think that helped me a lot manage the pain and push through. And then getting that, that second little bundle of joy that I was just like feeling that somehow, like I was like I feel we're cheating like the universe, like you know, like we're getting a second one we're not supposed to have, you know, and now we have two boys. And yeah, I was just yeah, again over the moon to meet that little guy and you know, see that he had 10 figure, 10 toe. Everything was going well and so that's yeah, that helped me. That helped me getting in the right mental state and getting there.
Angela: 43:38
So how was your healing it?
Valerie: 43:41
took a bit more time this time, maybe partially because I'm two years older, I don't know, but I think it's more that you have a toddler at home and you come back and it's hard to find resting time. You know, the first I was just like like my, my maternity leave. I was just on the couch and skin to skin and just baby and I and not thinking about you know, even the house was not getting really dirty because we're not doing much during the day, and but then you have a toddler that come home and throw cereal on the floor and do a kind of stuff and there's always a mess everywhere and I have difficulty too. That's can let go a lot of things, but then I feel, when there's mess that's my control freak part that I'm like I'm gonna control the mess.
Angela: 44:24
So you know I wanted to which is impossible because the toddlers are literally right behind you, pulling everything back out exactly, it's kind of the mad house all the time.
Valerie: 44:33
So the healing was a bit long, not longer in term of you know like, when I saw my provider at six weeks, she was like you're eating, well, you can start doing, you know, unless there's pain when you do a specific activity. But you so like everything was good on my side, you know like everything looks pretty, but I just felt I dragged the pain a little bit not the tiredness and a little bit of pain longer because I couldn't just sit, you know like, not, I didn't just sit, I couldn't just go at my rhythm. Uh, it's a better way to just say it like and lay down when I needed to. Sometime you know I needed to, sometime you know I needed to. Um, my husband need to shower too. We all need, you know, to take care of ourselves.
Valerie: 45:16
So that's definitely a challenge, a C-section after. And then they were more guilt too, because my boy wanted to, my first one. I did me to like take him in my arm and I couldn't lift him and all that stuff, you know. So it's a bit mentally was a bit tougher too, too was more guilt. And then you're dealing with taking care of the little one and neglecting the older one and all that stuff. So I think, yeah, the second birth, like, was a little bit more physically and mentally challenging.
Angela: 45:49
Yeah, yeah, it's definitely always a shift to what going from one to two or whatever really it is. It's just like that introduction and just giving yourself grace, you know, to just find your new rhythm and yes, absolutely yeah. So if you were to give advice to expecting parents, or even new parents, what would be the biggest thing that you would?
Valerie: 46:15
I think like, yeah, I mentioned building your village. It sounds like cliche and all, but I think we neglect that and we like, oh no, I can do it alone. Yes, you can, absolutely we all can do it alone, but do you have to? That's the real question. And how easier it will get. I have a colleague that is a friend now, so like just dropping a meal by my door one day, you know, and that was such so much appreciated and I was like you don't necessarily need to know each other that much. You just go drop a meal to a new mother or something and just say, hey, take care of yourself. Tonight, you don't have to cook, there's a meal for you, a good home cooked meal. Or I have a friend that sent us, um, a gift card with doll dash like order something you know that you would like to have, or some you know. So I think, building that village where you can have those resources around. And also, one thing that really helped me is, um, they are operating in the US now. That's Canadian.
Valerie: 47:10
Um, she's a psychotherapist, I, I think, and she talks a lot about motherhood and all the mental charge of motherhood and during the pregnancy also. And she talks. It's not just the romantic view of being pregnant and being a mom, it's, it's the guilt, it's the mom rage. She talks about all those, you know, like those sides, that we don't really talk to each other about because there's a little bit of shame that comes with all that and we we won't say like today I really wanted to sell my kid, like I'm joking. But you know, we have days where we're like I'm gonna leave the house, I'm gonna leave everybody behind and just like you know, like we'll all have those days and or maybe not all, but most, a lot of women have them and we don't really talk about all that because you feel like a bad mother, you're guilty.
Valerie: 47:53
If you're guilty, you feel ashamed. But it's normal to feel that way. Or when my with my first, you know, like because of those resources, I knew what was what it was, when I felt that not happy anymore to breastfeed him and having that that rejection, like, instead of going to that mental downside of I'm a bad mother, what's going on, and I knew that this is a genuine thing happening, that maybe my body was just not able to do both or whatever is the reason. But there was a reason why I was feeling that way and it's not because I'm a bad mother. So, finding those resources that also help you so sorry, long answer, but basically finding those resources that help you also see the other side of parenting, being a mother, being pregnant, the hard side, the thing that we don't talk to each other about is I think it's it's one of the big key because it just helps you realize that a lot of your feelings are genuine, they're shared, you're not alone and in those moments you just feel so alone, like you feel, like you know it's because you yeah, you won't call your friend.
Valerie: 49:01
Most people I don't, I won't call my friend and say, hey, I feel like not leaving my kid at home today and just like leaving the country, even you know it's. You won't say that necessarily, you know, or? Or I just want to cry because I'm, I'm done with it today. You know, we don't, we don't say that really it's, it's like I'm having a tough day, you know. We don't go into the detail of it.
Valerie: 49:24
So finding those resources that make you see that it's okay that we all have bad days and what they they are actually, because there's especially postpartum. We have all those hormonal change that in like partner resentment, like you know, like I resented my husband for sleeping through the night and I was like why I'm so angry at him. But it's just a genuine thing, like that exists, it's called partner resentment and it's actually like normal to feel that way and then finding a way to cope with it. So if you don't know that, I feel it can be such a tough journey, tougher than it needs to be. So that's what I would say like find those resources there's so many out there find the one that works for you and that give you those, because it's not just a romantic journey.
Angela: 50:11
It, it can be really beautiful but there will be hard days, so find those resources that help you through the hard days. Yeah, that's really so important and very well said. Well, thank you so much, Valerie for sharing your stories today.
Angela: 50:33
It's been such a pleasure that that's really nice. Thanks, and that's the end of another episode of the my main birth podcast. Thank you for joining me and listening. I hope that the stories shared here have been inspiring or informative to all of my listeners. If you're looking to capture your own birth story or for doula support for your upcoming birth, head over to my website, mymainbirthcom and check out my packages.
Angela: 51:00
I am a certified professional birth photographer and experienced doula, and I offer in-person services to families throughout the state of Maine, as well as virtual birth coaching worldwide. I want to invite you to grab my top free resource for newly pregnant moms. It's called 37 Questions to Ask your Care Provider Whether you've already established care or if you are still in the process of interviewing new providers. This resource is for you. Of interviewing new providers, this resource is for you. Not only are you going to get the questions to ask, but I also share how to assess their answers and the major red flags that you should be looking for. So go, grab that. It's at mymainbirthcom slash download. Thank you again for tuning in and I look forward to bringing you more amazing birth stories. Don't forget to subscribe and leave me a review, and I'll see you back here again next week.